Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I Have Commitment Issues, I Don't Want To Commit Vol. II

I promised I would get into my "I want what I want when I want it" explanation in my previous post. I've thought about how I have come to be in this state of mind, and there are several situations that run through my head. Could it be my first embarrassing heart break when I was still in college? By embarrassing I mean, I walked in on my long term boyfriend and one of my good friends doing some really friendly things to each other. Now most people have probably seen this scenario on television, but let me tell you there's nothing like seeing it live, in action, and in your bedroom, in your home. This was the beginning of the end of my emotional attachment to the opposite sex.

Then there was the really sweet guy, the one who came along just when you needed him. The one that was way to sweet for a "rebound" guy, but he took on the role and gave it 100%. Even when I told him I couldn't be more than just friends, he told me he loved me and would wait on me forever. Again, this is what most girls want, but for me the timing was terrible.

After that there was a string of "ungetable" guys. The kind I definitely would never take home to meet the fam, but at the same time, they where fun and there was definitely no chance of seriousness or heartache. This has always been the kind of "wrong relationship" I have been good at, the ones that you know won't go any where from the start, but it's a lot of fun to just play them out with no pressure.

I also dated a guy for a couple of months who liked to buy my affection. He got my attention with a crazy expensive watch, kept it with roses sent to my office every week, and lost it when he gave me a diamond necklace (in front of my family) and told me that some day the diamonds would be made into a wedding ring. Yeah, this was Mr. I want a family right now. I was way to young to be interested in starting a family, and way to smart to be bought with expensive presents. That ended quickly, and I got to keep some nice parting gifts.

Then all of a sudden I fell in love. Just when you least expect it, just when you think you've got everything figured out, love hits you in the face. And it hit me pretty hard. This was the most serious, grown up relationship I'd ever been in. Turns out we grew up just miles from each other. Turns out we had never met, but had lots of mutual friends. Turns out, this was going to be a mess! We eventually talked about moving to a town where I could pursue a career. He was pretty settled, but assured me that he was ready to leave his small hometown and make a life with me. Things seemed wonderful, except for just a few minor details. His mother hated me, she actually said I was going to hell because I didn't attend the same church as her. Could this have been The Church for the Judgmental that I was missing out on every Sunday? Also, we couldn't seem to find him a job. It was the strangest thing, I would find some good positions that where open, I would call some people that I knew in the Ag Industry to try to help out my sweet boyfriend, we would fax his resume, and a week or so later he would tell me that the company he applied at had already filled the position. This made no sense to me. He was so smart, so focused, so dedicated to his career.

I had been waiting to make a move together for nearly a year. Well job for him or not I was moving, I was going places, and I was going to start my career. I just hoped it would be with him by my side and not hours from me. So I left, I got a great job, a great apartment, and started looking for him something great too, something that would be worth him moving and selling his house. Then he broke up with me. Just like that he told me it wasn't working, just like that my happy relationship was over, just like that I had no idea what hit me. It took awhile, but I pulled it together. I had no idea that the entire relationship had been based on lies anyway.

The funny thing is, every time I went home to visit my friends and family, he always knew I was coming home. He always called, he always told me he missed me, he always told me that he wanted to try to work things out. I always feel for it, every time. It took me six months to realize that he was toxic for me, and this didn't occur to me until one night I told him I couldn't do this any more. I didn't ever want to see or talk to him again. I have no idea where this strength came from, but I just blurted it out, and he broke down. He told me that the reason he never moved and couldn't get a job is because he lied to me about going to college. He never went, he never wanted to. He also told me that he had been seeing other girls, he had been engaged twice and he was still paying for a car he bought a girl a few years back. I had always heard rumors of his engagements, but I had never believed it, and now I wondered what else he had lied to me about. It was the final straw, I never spoke to him again, and I've never missed him since then.

Since him there hasn't been any one guy that I thought I was meant to be with. There have been several "Mr. Right Now's", but no "Mr. Right", and I think I like it this way. I don't have to get emotional, and I don't have to get attached. I know for sure that I don't want someone who cheats on me, in my bed or any where else, I don't someone if the timing is off, I don't want someone I can't take home to meet the family, I don't want someone who buys my affection, and I don't want someone who lies to me for no reason when the truth is much simpler. This is how I have come to the decision that I want what I want when I want it. I think I deserve it that!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Holden said...

Anne - You may want to delete these Spammer comments. You can do that by setting up Word verification.

Ok, moving on, to reply to the post at hand. Seems like you've got some pretty defensive walls built up. Sounds pretty shitty some of the bullshit that you've had to deal with, when you've trusted guys really close to you (the one cheating on you in your bed, the guy who lied about college, etc.). It also sounds like there were some guys who were really honest and digging you but that you wouldn't let them get through since you've got your walls up.

I think its fine for you now at this point of your life to want what you want, when you want it. And I'm sure through this blog we and you will discover more about you and who you are and what you want, and all that jazz.

When the time is right and when you're ready emotionally, you will probably meet someone who you can let your walls down for again and who you can trust with your heart again. But nobody else can tell you that - you'll figure that out and when its right (time and person) on your own.

Looking forward to reading your blog - keep it up!

- Charlie

2:39 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

You know I think what it all comes down to is that I just haven't met the one yet. I am a strong believer in "the one". I think when I meet him I will know, and I will be ready. But until I am ready, I am not going to meet him. But for now I have a new guy in my life. His name is Louie Vuitton, and he is a sweet 3month old Chihuahua!!!

6:49 AM  
Blogger Holden said...

you know, you've told me that before and I just don't know how much I subscribe to that theory. I mean, there are 6 Billion people in the world. And I think relationships are trying at times, and I think its more about willingness to work through and cooperate for the duration. But maybe certain people are the "one" for that duration of time???

10:34 PM  

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