Terrible, Non-Humorous Dates

Looking back on most of my previous first dates, I laugh, and find something about them that was positive. I easily laugh at myself, often question how I get into these situations, and love to tell my best girl friends of my most recent dating disaster. However, there was one terrible date that was never humorous, as a matter of fact it was three dates, and a lot of e-mail/phone flirting that got me into this situation. I should have known better, I should have seen the signs, but I didn't, and I will never forget it.

I met him when I was in Boston for the Democratic Convention. I had been there all week, I was completely worn out, and could think of nothing better than a relaxing weekend at the river when I returned home. I met him at the airport while I was waiting to catch my flight back to Memphis. The terminal was very crowded, and I found myself sitting on the floor across from him. He noticed my Kerry Edwards sticker on my carry on, and ask me how I liked the convention. This sparked a twenty minute conversation, until we boarded the plane. He was sitting in the back, but waited until my seat number was called so we could board together. He then helped me put my luggage in the over head, and for the rest of the flight, I stole little glances at him when I could. He was very cute, very hippyish, very not my usual type. When we landed he told me it was nice to meet me, and hopefully we would run into each other, I had learned earlier that he worked for a media outlet in Arkansas, and we didn't live that far from each other.

The next week I was surprised to see that he sent me an e-mail with a few pictures he had taken at the convention. I ask him if I could glance through some of the others he took to look for pictures of myself. He e-mailed me back saying he would trade me the pictures for a lunch date. I was so excited! I couldn't believe this random meeting would produce a lunch date. A few days later, he picked me up at the office and we had a great lunch, actually I took an extra long lunch break, and caught some hell for it back at work. It was totally worth it. The lunch was great. He was sweet, cute, very smart, and it was obvious there was attraction. I could hardly wait to see him again. He e-mailed me later that day and we made plans to have another lunch date the next week. We also e-mailed off and on for the next few days. I was having a great time getting to know my hippie guy, and I was sharing every detail with my best friend. She was also very happy and excited for me!

That next weekend, I decided to do something very brave, and very unlike me. I called him (getting his voice mail) and ask him to join me and my best friend by the pool on Sunday for margaritas. I never heard back from him, but I wasn't worried. I figured he was busy and I called on short notice anyway. So the next week I had my second date with the cute hippie. Again, it was wonderful. We had lots to talk about, and he apologized for not calling me back over the weekend, he was super busy, but he promised to make it up to me. He even tried to get me to skip out on work the rest of the day and go to the pool with him. I really wanted to, but I knew I couldn't. I was very busy that week, and it wasn't like me to blow off work for a day by the pool. He acted disappointed, but promised we would go to the river one weekend or something of that nature.

Everything seemed to be going great. I really liked him, I was really pumped about spending more time with him, but there where just a few little things that bothered me. One, he had never ask me out other than lunch. Now I know that lunch is the most casual of the dating meals, but you would think after two lunches, we would make plans for an evening meal. Two, he had a beat up, American Eagle looking, silver band on his wedding ring finer. But surely he wouldn't pursue me if he was married? I am a good girl, surely he wouldn't dream of that. And who actually wears their wedding ring out on a date? Surely he would have taken it off if he didn't want me to know he was married. (Disclaimer: I would NEVER knowingly date a married man. I think marriage is sacred, and I feel very strongly about the union of one man and one wife, not one man, his wife and his little girlfriend.) However, upon discussing the "ring thing" with my best friend, she assured me that no man would actually be stupid enough to wear his wedding ring out on a date, unless the girl knew he was married. I felt fairly certain the ring was special to him, but it wasn't special because his wife had one like it.

The next lunch date was wonderful, we went to this great little local place. We talked about trying to go to the river that weekend for a day of canoeing, and he ask me out for a drink after work. Finally, a date that doesn't include lunch!!! Just before our check came, it happened, I opened my big mouth. I have no idea where it came from, it just sort of popped out, I never saw it coming. I told him the first time I met him I thought he was married. He just looked at me. He looked at me for what seemed like an hour, then he looked down at the floor, and I knew. All he said was, I am. I thought he was kidding. I thought for sure he was about to tell me how gullible I was, and how the ring was given to him by some old hippie friend of his. But he didn't say anything, he just looked at the floor. So I ask him how long he had been married, and he told me nine years. NINE YEARS!!!!!!! Seriously, I wasn't even out of grade school when he got married. NINE YEARS????? I didn't know what to do. I thought about picking up my half eaten soup bowl and pouring it on him. But I didn't want to cause a scene. I wanted to be the better person in the situation. So I ask him if he had any children, and I held my breath, he said yes; a girl six and a boy four. TWO KIDS!!!!!! (no wonder he couldn't hand out with my by the pool on a Sunday, he probably had some prior commitment with the kidies) I still wondered if he was kidding. Maybe he was just really, really good at keeping a straight face. So I ask him if he was ever going to tell me-I opened the door for him to say he was playing, he was never married, he just wanted to see how I would react. Of course it didn't go that way at all. He said he had planned on telling me that day, at drinks after work. He said he really liked me, and he didn't want to mess up what he thought we had. He said he felt really bad about not being honest with me, but that he and his wife only stayed together for the kids, and they pretty much did their own thing. About that time the check came, the waiter sat it down on the table and I quickly grabbed it. He pleaded with me to let him pay it, he said it was the least he could do, and that he could expense it. Well I knew exactly what that meant. He could put it on his work credit card, that way the little wife wouldn’t ask questions. I just gave him the coldest stare I could muster and told him he could expense it, but I could pay for it myself, and it would never have to be a secret. I paid for both of our lunches, and walked out of the restaurant.

As he followed me out he ask me if I was mad. I told him I was more disappointed than anything, and that I had never had someone lie to me the way he did. I had never felt so, guilty of something that was out of my control. I told him I felt sorry for his kids, and I realized how lucky I was to have the up bringing I did. Then he actually had the nerve to ask me if he could see me again. He said he knew I was mad but that maybe over time I would understand that he was so unhappy at home, and other than his kids, he didn't have any reason to be with his wife. Then, I shocked him, I ask him a series of questions that I bet no other poor unsuspecting girl has ever ask him since. I ask what his wife and kids would say if he went to drinks with me after work, if he came home late, smelling like alcohol, what his wife would say, and what he would tell her. I ask him if he would tell her that he met a girl while he was in Boston, and that he had been out with her a few times in past few weeks. I ask him if he would tell her that we had gone out for beers after work, and that he wanted to stay out later with me, but that he knew he had to be home to tuck the kids in. I also ask him what she would say if he told her that I had freaked out when I found out he was married, but that he had assured me that he and his wife had an "open marriage". So I ask him if he would tell her the truth. He said, "not exactly."

He then took me back to the office and I didn't return any of the next twenty phone calls from him. I did however, listen to his pathetic voice mails. He e-mailed me several times, upon which I just ignored him. I have never felt so terrible and guilty in my life. That situation really messed with my head. I know it just happened, and I could have never seen it coming, but to know that he did have a wife, and children, that was almost more than I could handle. I still to this day am repulsed by him when I see him.

About two months later, when I had finally come to terms with the fact that it wasn't my fault, and that I did the absolute right thing when I found out the truth, he showed up in my office. I was busy, and another staff person ask him if he needed anything. The hippie just looked and me and said he had come to talk to me. I told him I was really busy, and had no time in my schedule for liars. He just looked at me like he was so offended, he stood there for a few seconds, then he told me he would like to sit and talk with me sometime. He had something very important to tell me. I just told him that nothing he had to say was important enough for me to want to listen, and that I would appreciate it if he left so I could get back to work. He turned and walked out of the office.

I still see him around occasionally. I just pretend like I don't know him. For the longest time I was afraid that his wife would come looking for me. There really wasn't a bright side to this situation. Although I did learn a few things about myself. I didn't lose my cool and freak out when he told me he was married. I didn't scream, yell or swear at him, I handled it like a lady. And I did the right thing. I didn't give him time to talk me into seeing him again, and I know that if for some crazy reason I am ever in a similar situation (I sure hope not), I will handle it the same way. That makes me pretty damn strong.