The Loves In My Life Vol. I

(Louie V at 3 1/2 months)



So it's pretty obvious that so far I have only discussed my terrible, crazy, random relationships. I have yet to talk about the great love I have had. The love that set the standard for every guy I have dated since. The love that got away? Maybe. The love that I will never get back? Probably not. The love that I have just recently come to realize I have outgrown? Definitely. I have had a few relationships that I managed to muck up myself. As I am sitting here thinking about this, and listening to the new Cross Canadian Ragweed CD (more to come on that later), I am so currently comfortable with who I am and what kind of person I have become, that I must give credit to some people in my life that have been nothing but good to me.

My first love swept me right off of my feet. From the moment we met, I knew he would somehow play a major part in my life. I also knew that this was going to be a long term relationship. Now I admit that I was in high school. And the argument that I have always been mature for my age is probably not best served here. But he was so great for me. I met him right at the time in my life when most of my girl friends where starting to rebel against their parents, and run a little wild. I never had that stage in my life because of him. He was two and a half years older than me, as cute as could be, played college baseball, and had the absolute best family (other than my own) that I had ever met. It was definitely love at first sight for me. We where inseparable for two years. We where together constantly. When he was on the road traveling, playing baseball, I was with his parents on the road too. I rarely missed a game, and he never missed a homecoming dance, prom, etc. with me either. We lived a couple of hours apart, but we made it work. With lots of long distance phone calls and week night visits when possible, it felt like we lived in the same town instead of almost one hundred and seventy-five miles apart. We where really young, but we discussed marriage. We talked about our future, and where I would go to college. We talked about where we wanted to live some day, what kind of jobs we wanted. We had our whole lives a head of us. And we knew we would have them together.

But then, I started to feel pressure. I didn't want to go to the same college he went to. I wanted to go further down south. I thought we could survive the six hour distance. I thought we would be able to work it out. But then, I started to realize that there was a big world outside of my small hometown and what I had experienced with him so far. I knew that for me to get the kind of college experience I wanted, I needed to do it alone. I couldn't see me moving down south, and a month later us breaking up over the phone. I thought we deserved better than that. So right before I graduated from high school, I broke up with him. I cried the whole time. I was so sad because I loved him so much. But I just knew it was the best thing for us. Or maybe for me. I didn't know as much as I thought I did.

It was a very difficult time for me. I hadn't been a single girl in a long time, and I hadn't spent a weekend without him in so long. He came to my graduation. It was very sweet. I had broken his heart even more since we had broken up by dating another guy. He had seen me and my new date out, and it was very difficult for him. (although at the time of my graduation, I was a single girl again) At my gradation that night, it was really hard for him to look at me. I knew that things between us would never be the same. All along I thought that I just needed some time to experience things, grow as an individual, and that eventually we would get back together, have a family and live happily ever after. Not exactly! We didn't talk at all the rest of the summer, until he called me to tell me he had a pretty serious surgery, and that he had come out of it okay. I had no idea anything was wrong, and all of a sudden all of these happy memories came flooding back. I needed to see him. So I ask him if I could drive down to see him at his parents. When I got there, it wasn’t how I thought it would be. It was great to see him, a little awkward maybe, but not at all like old times. I still loved him, but it was almost like a friendship love that day. I was hoping that that feeling wouldn’t last, and I would have the same feelings I had months before. We spent the day together, and later his girlfriend showed up. Well actually a girl he had been seeing, but he supposedly didn't really like her. He just hung out with her because there wasn't really any one else around that late in the summer.

He broke up with her that day. While I was at his house. He told me that she would never compare to me, and there was no reason to act like she could. I felt really sad for the girl. It was obvious she was crazy about him. I knew that it was a difficult situation for my ex, but I also knew that the girl didn't deserve what had just happened to her. I tried to apologize to her for that bad timing. I hadn't known she was going to show up that day or I never would have put her in that situation. It was very uncomfortable for everyone involved. I felt terrible. I didn’t' want him to think I was leading him on, I didn't want to lose him, and I didn't want him to not move on with his life if that's what he wanted to do. I knew I didn't deserve to have my cake and eat it too, and I would never put him through that situation. Besides I was going to school 6 hours away from him. I figured that over time we would drift and hopefully someday we would find our way back to each other.

That's not exactly what happened next. Just three weeks before school started, I realized that I would no longer be going down south for school. I would be going to school in AR instead. The same school my ex would be attending. I called to tell him the news, and make sure he didn't think it was because of him. Some things had gone on, and I knew that I wasn't ready to be so far from home. So I chose a school a little closer where I could make sure I stayed grounded and focused. At this time I was a little nervous about being "on my own" so to speak. So when school started we hung out a lot. We went to a few parties, movies, dinner, etc. It was like old times, but still no feeling there. I was starting to see how cute some of the guys where on campus. I was starting to see that the world was just a little bit bigger than it had been 3 months previous. I was starting to see why I knew I wanted to be single when I started college. But, I still cared about my ex. And I NEVER led him on. I told him that I needed time, that I loved him, but I still had some growing up to do before I could accept everything that he had to offer. He told me he couldn’t be my friend if he couldn't be my boy friend, and that it was up to me or it was over. So it was over.

Quickly I was devastated. It didn't take two days for me to realize what I had lost. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer, he wouldn't talk to me. Then about a month later I saw him with a girl, holding hands walking her to class. I was so shocked. I had never seen him like that, and all over again I realized what I had given up just to flirt with some cute guys on campus. I knew that it would take a long time to get over him, and he would never take me back.

Eventually he got engaged to that girl. I saw her ring from a distance, and the actual reality of what I had done to us hit me for the first time. Never would we "end up together", as I always thought we would. Never would we be all those things we had planned for each other when I was still in high school. Never again would his mom hug me, never again would I hold his hand, never again would he not be my ex. It was probably one of the saddest times of my life. I lost everything because I was selfish, and even though I tried to do the right thing and not hurt his feelings, I pushed him away just far enough that he found other arms to hold on to.

Three years later, during Christmas break, I got a strange phone call. It was him. It was 3am, and he was drunk. We talked for hours, long enough for him to sober up. He told me they had broken up, it was totally over, and that he was so sorry for the way he had treated me after he had started dating her. I was floored! I had missed him all this time. I had thought about him at least once a day, and tried my best to keep up with him and his family (without sounding psycho), and now he was back in my life. Well at least back in my speed dial. We decided to see each other when we got back from break. We hung out off and on for the next year. I wanted so much more than friendship. Even after all of that time, I knew that this was our chance to "come back to each other". But for him it was dead. He never saw us as anything other than friends that had lost touch for a long time. I wanted to tell him so many times, but I was afraid I would lose him. He had a pattern of only calling me and "needing" me when something bad happened. A friend or family member passed away, that sort of thing. Not that I didn't like him needing me, I just wished it was all the time, and not when something bad happened. But we stayed friends, or at least acquaintances. During all of that time, we never once kissed, held hands, etc. We never did after the night we broke up when I was still in high school. I always wanted to just kiss him one time, just to see if it was still there.

I got my chance last year when he came to my home town to go out with me and some friends and get crazy drunk at the local bar. We had a quick drunk kiss. There wasn't much there. There was for me, but it was so emotional, and for him, there was obviously nothing but a lot of beer and tequila. So that was that. For now we are still friends/acquaintances. We talk from time to time, but it's not like it used to be. I doubt it will ever be again.

But that ex changed how I have since looked at all other guys. He was so sweet, so caring, thoughtful, attentive, loving, and patient when we dated. He set the standard. He showed me what it was like to be in a great relationship. But what we had is all in the past, we have both changed since then, and we didn't change together. We have grown, mostly apart from each other.
My current, and hopefully long term love, is Louie Vuitton. No, not the crazy expensive handbag (which I hope to get for Christmas), but my new puppy. I call him Louie V for short, and sometimes LOUIS VUITTON ( to sound more proper) when he gets in trouble. He is an angle! And while I am definitely not trying to substitute him for a man or social life. It's nice to have someone that loves me unconditionally without hurting my feelings. For the record I am definitely not going to turn into one of the old ladies that has 100 cats, and no one else in her life. (This would never happen, I'm a dog person.) Seriously, it's nice to come home to the same comfortable face every day. Even if it belongs to a 4 month old Chihuahua. Right now, all I need is my sweet Louie V and my independence.