Wanting To Let Go

At drinks this weekend with a guy friend of mine, we discussed my past relationships. This is not a road I like to go down often, but my guy friend seemed to have a theory about my dating styles, so I was willing to listen. As he had had several more drinks than me, he was more than willing to replay harsh details of previous boyfriends.

He said he thinks the main reason I keep allowing my ex's to come back is because he thinks I am a commitment phoebe. In my defense, I rarely re-date an ex once we have ended things. However, I am bad to answer the phone when they call. I do this because curiosity gets to me. I want to know what they want, I need to know why they are calling. But I never answer an ex's call if I'm dating a new person. I don't think of myself as someone who is scared to commit, I just don't want to attempt to commit with the wrong person. My friend made some very valid points. He said he thinks the reason I keep letting the ex's stay close it because I know it won't work out anyway so there is nothing to fear. No one gets hurt if you don't have any expectations in the first place.

While he was completely right about that. It got me to thinking about the other reasons I let them keep coming back. I think it's more of a control issue. I only stay in touch (and only if they call me) with the ones that ended things with me. I think I do this because it gives me a sense of control knowing that they are chasing me again. I am smart enough not to let them catch me. I don't want to date someone again that has hurt my feelings, or my heart. I'm not masochistic. I just like having more control over the situation then I did when we where actually dating. I know this sounds terrible. I don't do it for pride reasons, and the strange thing is, I don't ever bring up the breakup, and I'm not mean to the guy. I used to think it was closure, but now I realize that I want to let go, but I can't.

I wouldn't say I have trust issues when I get into a new relationships, because I don't ever trust them to begin with. I'm never surprised or angered when a guy says he will call, and he doesn't. I'm never upset when after an extended period of time, they guys just blows me off with no explanation. I think this is because I don't ever trust the guy, and this issues has come from a long line of terrible relationships where I have been hurt. I just want to let go of this problem. I want to be able to trust and not feel like at any minute the bottom is going to fall out. The strange thing is, I'm not really paranoid, I don't freak out, from the outside I act like a normal, fun time girl. But inside, I'm cold and hard. I wish I could just let go of this. I'm hoping that when I meet the right person these feelings will melt away. My most recent ex, the one who just keeps coming back, and I dated for several months. While I really liked him, and we had a lot of fun, I never trusted him completely. I was always waiting for him to not call, not show up, not do what he promised he would. And that's exactly what he did. When it happened, like I've said, I didn't feel a thing. Looking back I wish I would have, at least for that short time I would have let go.