The Mother

I didn't get to go home to my small southern town to see my mom this weekend. I did, however, mail her mothers day gift to her last week. She loves her new IPod Nano, and I’m sure she will get a lot of use out of it, as soon as she figures out how to set it up. Just because I didn't go home though, doesn't mean I didn't see the mother this weekend, because I did, and she was a real bitch.

I went on a float trip on Saturday down the Big Piney River. This was just my second canoe trip ever, and I must say I did pretty good. The boyfriend and I, along with a couple he is good friends with made the trip, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. The day started out with a surprise gift from the boyfriend, a distressed straw Miller Cowboy hat that I just loved. The operative word here being loved.

The river was very green and the scenery was beautiful. The weather was perfect, and the water conditions were ideal (very cold, but still fun). We had our Miller on ice, I had my Miller hat, and we were ready for a great float. I made it through the first few sets of rapid unscathed. I was starting to get the hang of it, and the boyfriend was good to give me some direction. We were having a blast, that is until we started discussing "The Mother". I had heard rumors of her, and I had even seen pictures of her that morning at the outfitters we stopped at along the way, but nothing prepared me for her.

"The Mother", a fairly treacherous section of river that is almost sure to make you tump over, did just that to me and the boyfriend. I knew it was going to happen when I saw her, she was big, and mean, and she kicked our asses. And to boot, the bitch stole my new Miller hat. After we tumped over, we held on to the canoe and each other for about 120 yards, until the current slowed enough for us to get our footing. But that 120 yards seemed to last forever. The boyfriend suffered some major cuts and bruises. I had some scratches and bruises, and my perfectly manicured toes didn't survive the rocks and boulders we were drug across, but I was basically okay, just really scared. The boyfriend was right beside me when I surfaced, and he helped me hold on to the canoe and keep my head above water as we were swept through the rapids. He was great, I was scared to death. When we finally got to shallow water, I was shaking pretty bad. It was a rough wipe out.

Once I was calm I realized that my new hat was gone, it didn't survive "The Mother". I was pretty upset about it, it meant a lot to me that the boyfriend thought to get me that hat, and then I lost it the first day I wore it. But, he assured me he would get me another one. He was great about the whole thing. He kept asking if I was okay and telling me he was sorry he was that we tumped. All the while he was the one bleeding and walking around barefoot on the rocks. (The Mother also got one of his flip flops)

I regained my composure, and we finished the last mile of the float. All in all, we floated 10 miles on the Big Piney River. We drank about 20 beers between the 4 of us, and lost 5 or so. We ate 4 turkey sandwiches, smoked about a pak of cig's, lost two left foot flip flops, one ankle sock, a lot of skin, and one distressed Miller Cowboy hat.

"The Mother"--1
Us--0

I will take on "The Mother" again, and this time that bitch won't steal my hat.

{I've included some pictures of "The Mother" I found on the Internet. We didn't take any pictures of her. I was to mad at her after what she did to us. But I hope the bitch enjoys my hat!}