Thursday, January 18, 2007

Stretched Thin

After some thinking, a little crying, and a lot of talking with a good friend about my "situation", I've completely ended things with the FL boy (formally the MS Boyfriend). Things are just to difficult and there is just to much missing from our relationship that I really want and need.

I've found that if I'm going to live 15 hours away from the person I'm dating, it's going to have to be on my terms. First, there has to be communication, and lots of it. If something's bothering me, I want to talk about it, even if it's the tiniest thing. There has to be trust, and there has to be willingness to give. I have to see this person more than just say, once every month and a half. There has to be understanding, compassion, and love. I'm a social person, and I don't want to give up any of my socializing because my boyfriend lives in another time zone.

I've been trying to conquer all of this for the last six months. I've been traveling to see him (he's done the same, but not as often as he should). I've been trying to talk to him and get him to talk back. This has been a real ordeal, he's not a talker. I've been trying to balance my social life and still make time to talk to him as much as possible and visit him every chance I've gotten. The truth is, I didn't want to go out to bars when I was with him, I didn't want to talk to other guys. I wanted to hang out with my girlfriends, and talk to the bf when I could. I was being mature, and not taking advantage of anything (or anyone for that matter). But some where along the way I realized I wasn't getting what I needed in return. I was getting late night drunk dials during the week, well after I'd gone to bed. I wasn't getting the reassuring words I was hoping for. In fact, other than a nightly call and a few e-mails, I wasn't getting enough to make me happy. And this made me sad and reclusive.

I hate that things did not work out for us the way we thought they would. We talked about the future, it seemed like we were really going to happen, to make it. But some where along the way, I think we both realized that things just shouldn't be that hard. We were dating, long distance which was very difficult, but we were still just dating, and it should have been more fun and less work.

He wants to get back together, he promises that things will be different. But I just don't see how. They've been the same for so long, I don't see what we could possibly do to make it different, better. And, as much as I care for him, I care for myself and my happiness, and I've been stretched to thin for to long. It's time to relax, and enjoy.


Anonymous Mom said...

It really is not suppose to be that hard. It is suppose to be enjoyable and wonderful and special. If you are having to put in this much effort from the very beginning...then something has to be wrong and things did not start out on the right foot and will never be on the right foot if the same direction is maintained. I don't know how else to help you on this. I just know I want the best for you and the happiest for you and when you meet that guy that makes you the happiest and treats you like the princess you are then you will know how special you are to him and you will just know and so will he. Your dad and I love you and are so very very proud of you. We want what is best for you and we want you to be happy.

9:57 PM  

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