Tuesday, January 30, 2007

My Past In My Present

The FL ex has been trying to find a way to get back into the present with me. He's called, he's e-mailed, text, even sent me flowers. Finally, after all of that he decided he just needed to fly to LR and "make it work". I admit, part of me was excited about the idea of seeing him. I was looking forward to spending some time with him, taking him to my favorite restaurant, going shopping. But, I was not at all excited about the conversation I knew would be inevitable. I knew he would want to talk about the past, and talk about our future. And I wasn't at all prepared for that when I'm happy in my present.

So, I did what I thought was necessary. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come see me. In fact, I told him this wouldn't work for me any more, and as sorry as I am about it, I need to be happy. I know how this all may sound, like I'm heartless, uncaring. But it's the opposite actually, I do care about him, I'm sure I always will. Obviously I’m not heartless because my heart does hurt a little right now, but, I'm happier already. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

During all of this turmoil, the tennis pro was by my side. I told him the truth, I told both of them actually. So there were no secrets between us. The tennis pro said he could wait for the weekend to be over, he said he understood that these things happen, and he just wanted me to be happy. I was so relieved. When I told him the ex wasn't flying in after all, he didn't have much to say. And I was again relieved because I didn't do it for him, I did it for me.

So for now I'm enjoying my present and walking away from the past.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Romance And The Realist

I'm a realist, I just am. I don't look at the glass as being half empty or half full. I look at it and think, that glass only has half as much wine as it will hold in it, better get the bottle back out.

But while I'm this realist, lately, I've been thinking maybe I'm a bit of a romantic. I want romance in my life. I want slow dancing in the rain, or if it's too cold out, the living room will work. I want flowers for no reason, and little tokens just to make me smile. I want compliments, and car doors opened. I snuggling by the fire, and smores with red wine. I want to be kissed awake in the morning and to be surprised with breakfast in bed. I want to be kissed on the forehead in public, and I want my hand held just because he can't stand to not hold it. I want to be swept off my feet.

I've had a little taste of this lately, and I must say it's been amazing. In fact, it's been a little over whelming. But the realist in me wonders if it's romantic, or an agenda. I think maybe I'm just so taken aback by everything that I'm not sure if I should relax and trust him, or wonder about the old saying, "If it's seems to good to be true, it probably is".

Right now I can't help but wonder, can I enjoy the romance if I'm too worried about rather or not it's real?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Stretched Thin

After some thinking, a little crying, and a lot of talking with a good friend about my "situation", I've completely ended things with the FL boy (formally the MS Boyfriend). Things are just to difficult and there is just to much missing from our relationship that I really want and need.

I've found that if I'm going to live 15 hours away from the person I'm dating, it's going to have to be on my terms. First, there has to be communication, and lots of it. If something's bothering me, I want to talk about it, even if it's the tiniest thing. There has to be trust, and there has to be willingness to give. I have to see this person more than just say, once every month and a half. There has to be understanding, compassion, and love. I'm a social person, and I don't want to give up any of my socializing because my boyfriend lives in another time zone.

I've been trying to conquer all of this for the last six months. I've been traveling to see him (he's done the same, but not as often as he should). I've been trying to talk to him and get him to talk back. This has been a real ordeal, he's not a talker. I've been trying to balance my social life and still make time to talk to him as much as possible and visit him every chance I've gotten. The truth is, I didn't want to go out to bars when I was with him, I didn't want to talk to other guys. I wanted to hang out with my girlfriends, and talk to the bf when I could. I was being mature, and not taking advantage of anything (or anyone for that matter). But some where along the way I realized I wasn't getting what I needed in return. I was getting late night drunk dials during the week, well after I'd gone to bed. I wasn't getting the reassuring words I was hoping for. In fact, other than a nightly call and a few e-mails, I wasn't getting enough to make me happy. And this made me sad and reclusive.

I hate that things did not work out for us the way we thought they would. We talked about the future, it seemed like we were really going to happen, to make it. But some where along the way, I think we both realized that things just shouldn't be that hard. We were dating, long distance which was very difficult, but we were still just dating, and it should have been more fun and less work.

He wants to get back together, he promises that things will be different. But I just don't see how. They've been the same for so long, I don't see what we could possibly do to make it different, better. And, as much as I care for him, I care for myself and my happiness, and I've been stretched to thin for to long. It's time to relax, and enjoy.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Push And Pull Of Things

Push, the act of applying force in order to move something away. I can relate with this right now. He pushes constantly. He won’t tell me how he feels about something; he gets quite, gets distant, is less than affectionate, he pushes me away. He says he just can’t do it any more. He disappears; he’s pushed me away, until he starts to pull again.

Pull, the act of pulling; applying force to move something toward or with you. I relate to this right now too. A few days goes by, maybe a week, and there is no contact between
us. I don’t call, don’t e-mail, I get through my days, then he can’t take it any more. He calls, asks why he hasn’t heard from me. He says he doesn’t like things like this, he wants me with him, wants to get back together.

Twice I’ve missed him enough to be pulled back. But this last time I swore to myself this was it, no more chances. Things were said, promised, future plans were made, then the push reappeared. I recognized it immediately, and I decided this time I would be the one to say it, the one to end things. That was almost two weeks ago, and as is routine, he began calling and e-mailing about a week ago. It’s a very difficult thing not to be pulled back in. I know it shouldn’t be this hard, I know we’ve both had a lot of stress in our lives lately. While this is not a good excuse, it’s not been easy for either of us. But right now, I can’t help but ask myself, have I reached the limit of being pushed and pulled? Am I so stretched that I can walk away from someone that I care so much about?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Off The Gaydar

I love gay men, I do. They are always on the cutting edge of style, they aren't afraid to tell you you look like shit and, "for God's sakes get your roots done". They are almost always super cute, great dancers, excellent cooks, and have amazing homes. They truly are better off than the average single woman.

But, as much as I just adore their style and attitude, I can't understand why the only cute guys giving me attention lately more than likely fit into the above category. While neither of these guys are "out" and trust me, they are old enough to just be who they are, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that they are playing for the other team.

So is my gaydar off? Have I been spending so much time with one guy that I've lost my ability to recognize that the hot, single, wealthy, well dressed, over 35, never married guy with a great body that's flirting with me at the bar is in fact drooling over my TAG Alter Ego watch instead of me? I just don't know any more. All of the straight signs are there, sweet e-mails during the day, late night drunk texts, tickets to sold out events, but then I think maybe I'm just a fun time girl they know they can hang with who may attract a cute boy for them.

I just don’t' know, but I know my gaydar needs a little tweaking. I guess this will come with more time spent out being single and less time spent home being coupled!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Single In 07

After a lot of thought, and several sleepless nights I decided that even though I care about the FL boy a lot, something's just missing. He spent the weekend with me in LR and it was made even more apparent to me that something just wasn't there that should have been. So at the end of his visit I told him as much, and he didn't blink when I told him I just didn't think this was it for us. His reaction reaffirmed my feelings, and that was it. I took him to the airport, and other than a few vague e-mails from him, I haven't had much contact with him since his plan landed back in Tampa.

So, just like the last three I've spent in LR, I'm starting the new year off single. Right now, I'm not really interested in dating, or for that matter meeting guys. I'm just not in that state of mind right now. I'm tired of dating guys just to date, and looking past the stuff I don't like, just because I know everyone has flaws. I'm tired of compromising and not speaking up. So for 07, I'm going to stop being tired and I'm going to start being me all the time.

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