Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Return Of The Worm

So during the whole "apple, worm, fence" fiasco I had lots of opinions from readers. (some of them not as anonymous as they thought) Well the worm is back. He e-mails, he texts and tells me to call him. I mean are you kidding me? I didn't want you a few months ago, why would I want you now? The worm is still seeing an old friend of mine, but he is "not sure about the relationship" and the thinks he "should just move on". Figure your life out worm, and stay out of mine.

Well I'm not giving him advice, I'll be damned either way. The last thing I want to do is be involved in their drama fest. Not to mention the fact that she is not exactly sane. She tends to cause trouble everywhere she goes. And although he is almost 40, he has the maturity level of a high school kid.

He wants to come visit me. He actually ask me if he had to make an appointment or if I would make time for him. Are you kidding me? I don't want him in my orchard. I'm not interested! At one time I was tempted for about five minutes, then I regained consciousness. That worm needs to go looking for another apple, this one has already been sprayed with insecticide.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Just When You Think Things Are Back To Normal

I am so pissed off. Just when I thought things where back to normal for a family member of mine, everything falls apart. He lives on the east coast, and he is in school. He is trying his best to make a life for himself, be successful and happy, and get his degree. He works all the time, he makes the deans list every semester, and he's established himself in the city he lives in- not an easy feat.

He has matured, he's grown, and he has the absolute worst luck ever. A couple of weeks ago his truck got broken into. The culprits stole his wallet, stereo system, satellite radio, back pack, sunglasses, watch, tennis rackets, and I Pod. Basically they cleaned him out. He was so upset, he called the city PD, and they refused to come take a report. They told him he would have to file it on line. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SUCH BS?

The night before his truck got broken into, it almost got towed. He wasn't parked illegally, he wasn't breaking any rules, basically he got scammed. The guys towing the truck said they would only leave it if he paid them in cash. My family member didn't know what else to do, so he paid them. The next night, they showed up and broke into his truck, and since the police didn't show up, it's not likely they will catch the vandals.

He has since gotten his broken windows repaired and replaced his stereo. I bought him a new I Pod and mailed it to him. (I knew how much he used it when he was in the library studying ) He was still working out the insurance details when his luck turned bad again. This past Friday night his truck got stolen. He had gone home from work and went to sleep, and a few hours later the police called to tell him they had found his truck. He didn't even know it was gone. The people that stole it took it for a joyride and trashed it pretty good. Now my family member is having to deal with that on top of everything else.

That just pisses me off. I have a major problem with people that steal and vandalize. But knowing that this stuff keeps happening to someone I love very much, well that's even worse, and that's why I'm pissed off.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Things Aren't Always About Me

I've been quite lately. I've been thinking a lot about some of my recent behavior, and how I've over reacted or not reacted at all. Something has happened that's made me realize things aren't always about me.

I've been worried about things I can't control. I've been thinking I've caused problems, conflicts, drama, when actually it may not have been me at all. That doesn't mean that my behavior is excusable, far from it. But it's not about me, it's about something much bigger.

I've needed time to process this, which is why I have talked more about my friends lately. I've needed to be still and think things over from a different perspective. I've needed to calm my frustration and anger and realize that I was completely wrong to be angry. I've needed to get in a better place, so that if I'm needed by someone else later, I can be there and be strong for that person.

It's not always about me, sometimes it's about things that are much bigger.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

How A Sweet Southern Girl Gets The Boot

A good friend of mine called me late last night with some very upsetting news. She needed me to come get her, she was at a guys house she has been seeing, and she got the boot.

Of course I had been in bed for close to an hour, but she's a good friend, and good friends aren't the easiest thing to come by. So, I jumped out of bed, grabbed Louie V and rushed right over. I wasn't sure what state of mind she would be in. Her and this guy haven't been seeing each other long, but she sounded upset on the phone. I didn't know exactly what to expect.

On the drive over I had plenty of time to think about why she called me instead of having him take her home. I was almost certain it had a little bit to do with pride. I also knew he had to work this morning, and I 'm sure she just wanted to get out of the situation and go home to decompress.

Upon arriving at his apartment complex, she thanked me over and over. She said she just didn't know what to do. She ask me what I thought and I told her it would be okay, not to worry, we would handle it. I took the booted friend home, and she promised to call me in the a.m. to fill me in on the details.

When she called this morning she told me she had to pay $95 to get the boot off her car. Apparently she parked in a "residents only" space instead of a visitors spot. She was so thankful I was able to pick her up, and that the "debooters" messed up her ride and she had to take it to a dealership. What a pain.

And that my friends is how a sweet southern girl gets the boot!

*Lately I've had to much going on to write about, so I have been more focused on my friends and their interesting lives. Hope you all still enjoy, I have some very interesting friends!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

An Epidemic?

For the past couple of weeks two of my good girlfriends have been in dating bliss. They have been going to movies, going to dinner, they have been in a "relationship" of sorts. They where both so happy, and of course they took every opportunity to tell me about their latest great date.

Finally I thought, no drama, they are content, and that makes me happy. Albeit it makes my life a little less exciting when one of them is not calling or coming over to gripe about their own latest disaster. But the important thing is they are happy, and they where.

Then, both of them started encountering the same problems with theirs "guys". Not calling back when they said they where going to, not calling them at all, and definitely not trying to make future dates with them. Of course this called for a conference on my front porch, complete with two bottles of wine. Their stories where so similar it was shocking. And the crazy thing is, after hearing both stories, the three of us can't seem to figure out what and when it went wrong..

They followed the "rules" if you believe in that bs. They are good girls, they aren't crazy, bitchy, promiscuous, etc. So what happened? We are still wondering ourselves. It's like an epidemic. These two situations happened at the exact same time, and they happened in the exact same way. Everything is fun and exciting, and the next it's cold and almost nonexistent. Of course the only thing to do is plan a raging girls night out as soon as possible, but still they are left wondering if it was something they did. These two smart, classy, beautiful girls are actually spending time wondering what they did wrong when he never called back. Funny how that happens.

I wonder if guys ever sit and wonder why she didn't call back? We seriously doubt it.
PS. Today is my 50th post!!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

I recently watched the movie Closer. I really didn't like the movie, it confused me and made me sort of sad, but the music, that's a different story. I absolutely love the song by Damian Rice that's playing at the very end. It's called "The Blowers Daughter", and it's beautiful. I put it on my IPod, and I listen to it all the time.

It took me awhile to figure out what the song was about. At first I thought it was about a guy who was so in love with the beauty of another that he couldn't take his eyes off them. Then the more I listened to it I wondered if it was about some crazy stalker who secretly watched someone, wrong again. The last line of the song says I can't take my mind off you until I find somebody new.

Then it made sense, and this is probably why I liked the song so much (not to mention the acoustic guitar-which I love) it's not about love at all. It's about a guy who falls hard for someone, but can easily replace that person if things don't work out, and he finds someone else. He's fickle, he easily moves on, he's maybe a little shallow. He thinks the best way to forget someone is to replace them.

The song is actually really sad, it fits perfect with the movie. But there is still something about it that attracts me. Wonder what that could be?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Another Fabulous Disaster

This title is taken from a line in one of my favorite songs. The song is about how things always turn into another fabulous disaster. I really had no idea what this meant until recently, when I had something that was fabulous, and now it's a disaster.

I've been hesitant to really write something about a previous dating experience I was involved in because I am a huge believer in the jinx. It seems like every time I get comfortable enough with a guy to talk about it with friends, it gets jinxed and then I have to spend time explaining what did or didn't happen when my friends ask about him. Although it's no secret that I've had quite the crush for several months, I have laid low, kept it to myself, for the most part, and waited it out.

Then a few weeks ago I began spending a little time with the crush. I found that I liked his different views on things, I liked how sweet he was, and I liked how I felt when I was around him. I tried to relax and just enjoy it, and I did. I began to feel some of my doubt and negativity melt away, I began to care. It's crazy how just when I started to get comfortable with him, just when I began to feel like the bottom wasn't going to fall out this time, he was actually everything I thought he was, it did-the bottom fell out. Just like that.

He could see right through me. What began as a conversation escaladed into what I would assume was a misunderstanding. I remember him telling me I would never trust him, I would never understand. Then the strangest thing happened, everything seemed fine, I thought for sure it was a misunderstanding and nothing more. But then, I didn't really hear from him again. After the absolute best date I've ever been on, after the most unbelievable night, after all that, nothing. The worst part is, I don't know if it was a misunderstanding, if he actually did like me, what happened, or if he really thinks I would never trust him. For the first time since I can remember, I trusted, I wasn't anxious, I was happy, and now nothing.

I had it, it was fabulous, and I may have accidentally turned it into a disaster.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Hunt Less Fish More

This post is dedicated to a good friend of mine from the district. He loves to hunt and fish, and I don't think he has done much of either since my last visit to the district. I promise to come back soon, if you promise to hunt and fish with me at RRG!

I used to be more of a hunter, (okay I can already see that this post could possibly border on redneck metaphors reading, so lets keep in mind that I live in Arkansas and grew up hunting and fishing) I would go after what I wanted. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't scared to say so. I was ready for the chase, and I was ready to catch what I wanted. If I was out with my girlfriends and I saw a cute guy I wanted to talk to, I would approach him--after some careful flirting. If I wanted to pursue another career, I would. I packed up my stuff and moved half way across the country just to chase a dream (not a guy, a real dream). I wasn't scared of anything, and I was ready for any challenge. Maybe I was a little reckless or careless. Whichever it was, it made for some interesting experiences and stories.

Things are different now. I don't feel the need to run down what I want. I tend to lay back, I'm not as aggressive. Oh I still want what I want when I want it, but I don't mind waiting for it for a short time. I'm not sure when this change occurred. It could have been chasing down things that just weren't good for me, or it could have been maturing and realizing that good things come to those who wait. Either way, I tend to fish more and hunt less. I don't feel the need to talk to every cute guy I see, I don't see the point in moving away from the people I love again just to chase my dream job. I'm comfortable, I'm relaxed, I'm home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared of a challenge, I just don't create one on purpose.

However, there are down falls to both hunting and fishing. When you fish all the time you could become lazy waiting on something to happen when you could make it happen yourself. When you hunt all the time, you tend to be to aggressive. But just remember, when you go fishing, the bait always dies, and hunting is about survival of the fittest.

Yes, definitely way to full of redneck metaphors. Hope you enjoy it my district friend.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

When Do You Know

When do you know to let you guard down and just relax and enjoy things? I always have my guard up, I can't help it. I've been hurt, burned, whatever so many times that a wall around my feelings just feels well, natural.

How do you know when to trust someone? Trust is earned, and when he doesn't always do what he says he's going to do, how do you know when to adjust to this and trust that he will do what's right? I always try my best to do what I say I'm going to do. I always call if I say I'm going to, I'm always on time, that's just the kind of person I am. He never calls when he says he's going to. There are two types of time, normal time, and his time, and his time may be hours later than normal time. This is difficult for me. Will this ever change? Or should I adjust to this and look at all the other good things he does?

When do you know when it's right to say we and not just he and I? How long are two people a "he and I" before you become a "we". I never assume anything. I wait for "the talk", the talk that signifies that we are just dating each other. But sometimes other people assume, and how do I respond to that? Do I say, "no, no we are just seeing each other" or just let it slide? But what's the norm for this, two weeks, a month, six months?

When do you know that this thing could be a something? When do you let your doubts melt away and be happy and relaxed? I have so much trouble with this. I never get into a comfort zone, I'm always thinking he's not going to call, and that's going to be the end of that.

When do you know that this could be something great?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I Wish I Was Like Coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first she placed corrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners and fished the corrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl and then she ladled the coffee out and placed in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs and coffee," she replied."

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft and then the mother asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. Daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity. boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile, its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain, when the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity: Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enought trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past and can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

No Expectations

I'm trying hard to trust and be happy with the situation I'm in. It's difficult because I'm so neurotic when it comes to trusting anyway, and he has so many things going on right now. It's hard to deal when he has very valid excuses, things he can't control, and I'm the least trusting person I know.

I'm enjoying what time we spend together. We flirt a lot, it's pretty pathetic. We make each other laugh, find stupid reasons to touch (like my hands are cold, he'll hold them for a few minutes for me), and still things are slow and held back. I don't dare question him as to what is going on with us. It's hasn't been long enough, it's obvious things will move very slow, baby steps.

I just wish I could not have these thoughts in the back of my head. Like at any moment he's going to say he's really not into me, and it was okay while it lasted. Why can't I just be positive? I role with it, but I still have these small seconds of doubt. I know why I do, I have them because I'm pessimistic. You can't get your feelings hurt or get let down if you never expected anything to begin with. How I would love to have expectations.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Wanting To Let Go

At drinks this weekend with a guy friend of mine, we discussed my past relationships. This is not a road I like to go down often, but my guy friend seemed to have a theory about my dating styles, so I was willing to listen. As he had had several more drinks than me, he was more than willing to replay harsh details of previous boyfriends.

He said he thinks the main reason I keep allowing my ex's to come back is because he thinks I am a commitment phoebe. In my defense, I rarely re-date an ex once we have ended things. However, I am bad to answer the phone when they call. I do this because curiosity gets to me. I want to know what they want, I need to know why they are calling. But I never answer an ex's call if I'm dating a new person. I don't think of myself as someone who is scared to commit, I just don't want to attempt to commit with the wrong person. My friend made some very valid points. He said he thinks the reason I keep letting the ex's stay close it because I know it won't work out anyway so there is nothing to fear. No one gets hurt if you don't have any expectations in the first place.

While he was completely right about that. It got me to thinking about the other reasons I let them keep coming back. I think it's more of a control issue. I only stay in touch (and only if they call me) with the ones that ended things with me. I think I do this because it gives me a sense of control knowing that they are chasing me again. I am smart enough not to let them catch me. I don't want to date someone again that has hurt my feelings, or my heart. I'm not masochistic. I just like having more control over the situation then I did when we where actually dating. I know this sounds terrible. I don't do it for pride reasons, and the strange thing is, I don't ever bring up the breakup, and I'm not mean to the guy. I used to think it was closure, but now I realize that I want to let go, but I can't.

I wouldn't say I have trust issues when I get into a new relationships, because I don't ever trust them to begin with. I'm never surprised or angered when a guy says he will call, and he doesn't. I'm never upset when after an extended period of time, they guys just blows me off with no explanation. I think this is because I don't ever trust the guy, and this issues has come from a long line of terrible relationships where I have been hurt. I just want to let go of this problem. I want to be able to trust and not feel like at any minute the bottom is going to fall out. The strange thing is, I'm not really paranoid, I don't freak out, from the outside I act like a normal, fun time girl. But inside, I'm cold and hard. I wish I could just let go of this. I'm hoping that when I meet the right person these feelings will melt away. My most recent ex, the one who just keeps coming back, and I dated for several months. While I really liked him, and we had a lot of fun, I never trusted him completely. I was always waiting for him to not call, not show up, not do what he promised he would. And that's exactly what he did. When it happened, like I've said, I didn't feel a thing. Looking back I wish I would have, at least for that short time I would have let go.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Uncertain Happiness

I saw him last night. It wasn't the way I thought it would be. There was no dinner, no real date. But we made time to see each other for a short time. We talked, we laughed, we played with Louie V.

He was dressed in a suite. He looked so handsome. Thank goodness I wasn't dressed like a total bum. It was nice, sitting and talking. It was nice seeing him smile. I liked the way he aggravated me.

I am still waiting for that first date. I am uncertain as to if or when we will actually go out on a real date. Some things start this way. Some things are more casual, not traditional. Either way I am just happy being around him right now. I am more comfortable getting to know him in an casual atmosphere, there are less distractions this way. I know there are limits to when we can see each other, and I am just waiting.

He didn't mind that he was covered in dog hair when he got ready to leave. I replay those last seconds before I shut the door behind him. I replay that look on this face, I can hardly remember it. I was floating, I was dazed. I hope if there is a next time I am more focused so I can remember more detail. It was lovely.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


It seems like I spend so much time waiting. I wait in traffic to get to work. I wait all morning for my lunch break so I can go home and see my dog or go out to lunch with a friend. I wait all afternoon to go to the gym. I wait for the weekend, I wait for a fun night out with my friends, I wait for him.

I've been waiting for him since early September. I've been waiting for him to ask me out. I've been waiting to see him, waiting to see his smile, waiting to learn his personality, waiting to laugh with him, waiting for him to think about me, waiting to mean something to him.

During this time of waiting I've built him up to such a standard that there is no way he could possibly fulfill it. I'm almost certain I am setting myself for a let down because I have anticipated this for so long. But for once I don't care, I don't care if all of this waiting is for nothing.

Now I am waiting for our first date, which is supposed to be tonight. But things have happened, I don't know if we will see each other tonight. I may have to wait longer. *sigh* I hate waiting.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

What I Won't Do

I have decided not to commit myself to any New Years Resolutions this year. I'm not really in the habit of doing this anyway. However, I have decided to make a list of things I am not going to do this year. This list will probably grow as the year progresses, however, for now these are the things I am NOT going to do in 2006.

• I am not going to let my ex-boyfriends keep hanging around. This is a terrible habit for me. I must realize that these guys are ex's for a reason, they need to stay that way.
• I am not going to speak my mind so often. I recently got into trouble for this. I don't do it to be mean, and it's rarely taken that way. However, I need to remember that some things are better off left unsaid.
• I am not going to emotionally detach myself from situations. I am bad about this. I stay so guarded that I rarely feel a thing.
• I am not going to be flattered when older (cute but older) guys ask me out. There is probably a reason why they are older and still single, and I don't need to stick around long enough to find out the reason.
• I am not going to be intimidated by people. If they don't like me for who I am, then I don't need to be friends with them.
• I am not going to lose my patience as easily. I am very patient when it comes to some things. However, I always seem to lose my patience with one particular person. I need to work on that.

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