Friday, October 28, 2005

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find---it's not as great as you thought it would be. I know that's not exactly how the songs goes, but it's close enough. I definitely don't want to be negative, especially since it's Friday, but it seems like once again I've found myself with a little crush, and it's not as great as I thought it would be. I should have known better. I should never have perused my flirt buddy from the gym. But I couldn't help myself, he's just so cute. I never would have guessed that he was SO full of himself.

He actually used the line "you’re a sweet girl, and I don't want to hurt you". Yeah right! I have more walls built up then a federal penitentiary. Did he really think I was going to fall crazy in love with him? I just wanted to up the stakes on the chase. I didn't want a commitment. But when he said that, I have to admit I laughed. How could any guy think they have that much control? That did it for me, I lost interest on the spot, well I still think he's a total hottie, but only as long as he keeps his mouth shut.
The good thing about this conversation is that now I know exactly what he's like. Now I can flirt with him without fear that I might feel uncomfortable later and lose my work out partner. So while I'm disappointed that he turned out to be so cocky…..very cocky, at least I know now before I had to much time to analyze him and the situation. And he still keeps me extremely motivated in the gym, and that's more important to me.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Loves To Flirt

I love to flirt! I love the uncertainty of it, the butterflies, the excitement that goes along with it. I think it's one of the most fun things about meeting cute new guys! It's been a long time since I have just flirted with a guy. I mean blatantly flirted, with no shame. The last time I was in this type of situation it was with a co-worker, and I was so naive that it never occurred to me that he had a tiny crush on me. I thought he was just being nice. But this guy is not a co-worker, and I have been involved in this flirt fest for about a week now. It started at the gym, (I know this sounds very much like a Will & Grace cliché) I must admit that I noticed him the first time I saw him. Eventually I decided to take things into my own hands and talk to him. Now we weight train together several times a week, and the flirting is almost as distracting as his great body. But it's motivation for me to hit the gym even harder.

This situation is so much fun-for me. I have no idea it he just has a flirty personality, or if maybe I am once again being naïve and he is having fun with it too! But I do have a dilemma with all of this. I haven't flirted with someone in a non-bar atmosphere in a LONG time. Not to sound like an alcoholic or anything, but I haven't spent so much time with someone I hardly know and not gone for the inevitable drink that always occurs when two people meet and they want to go to a neutral setting and unwind a little. I'm not sure why, but I keep thinking about the things we say to each other, and I have found myself almost analyzing our conversations so I can figure him out quicker. (that's what I always do, I try to figure people out)

So without talking about to much of the conversations that me and this guy have had, I feel pretty certain that he is mildly attracted to me. He has told me more that once that I am good looking, etc. But the main problem is what to do next. In a bar situation I could totally handle this. But at the gym? Well this is just new territory for me, and I'm not sure which way to go. Should I tell him that I would love to take this "whatever it is" out of the gym? Or do I just lay back and wait for him to make a move? (This option usually won't work for me, I am impatient, and as I have already stated, I want what I want when I want it.) I would definitely like to just lay back and see what happens, I don't want to mess up this fun work out/flirt thing we have going. But I'm so impatient, and he is so cute.
Decisions, Decisions!

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Older Man Who Is Really 17

What is it with older guys that act like theyt are still teenagers? Is it the fact that they want to try to stay as young as possible? Do they feel that acing like they're 17 is the best way to go about dating younger girls? What is it? I have recently had a "run in" with an older guy I used to date. Actually he's not as old as I remember, could that be because I have aged three years since then and for some crazy reason he is younger than he told me back then---huuum.

So when I was in college I had a small crush on "the older man". We would run into each other occasionally, flirt a little, it was always totally innocent. Then one night we decided that we should go back to my house and play pool. That semester I lived with three guy friends, and we thought it was more important to have a pool table in the kitchen than a kitchen table. So off to my house we went. Turns out my guy roomies where having a party, the pool table was occupied, and the older man wasn't feeling to good at this point anyway. He ended up throwing up in my driveway while I fished in my purse for my car keys to take him home. He also made me pull over on the way to his house so he could vomit again. Seriously, I was discussed. He was/is middle aged, shouldn’t you know your limits by the time you in your mid thirties?

I never saw him again, and never really thought about him either. Then last week I bumped into him at a bar in Northeast Arkansas. We chatted a bit, he flirted way more than me. He was still so cute, but he was a little obnoxious. However, I decided that I would meet him for a drink last night, since he was in town. I didn't really want to, but I had already told him I would. So, we met at one of my favorite swanky bars, and it was over the top from the moment he walked in the door. He had this way of invading my personal space that bugs me. He was constantly trying to touch my back, shoulder, hand or arm. It was so annoying! He always leans in and whispers in your ear every time he talks about anything. He wanted me to take shots with him and get crazy, I had to work today, I couldn't get wild and crazy. Besides that, if I did, would he throw up again? He kept saying things about how much of a "smooth cat" he was. Is that old man lingo for I get lots of ladies? I didn't think he was at all smooth when he was heaving in my driveway a few years ago.

Well the night progressed, and I got more aggravated at his behavior. He kept trying to get me to kiss him. I never had in the past, why would I do it at a crowded bar when he was being so obnoxious? At one point he even bit my arm--is that old man flirting? What if his dentures would have popped out? (I'm kidding he's not that old) Anyway, I had shown him a picture of Louie V on my camera phone. He was insistent that he go to my house and meet the newest roommate. I told him that one afternoon when he was in town we could take Louie V to the park or something, but it was late and I needed to get some rest. He kept on and on and finally I told him that I didn’t want him at my house and I didn't think Louie V would either.

I guess he actually thought he would come hang out at my house that night. What did he think would happen? Do I look like Anna Nicole? Seriously, it was a bit degrading that he just atomically assumed that he was going to go hang out with me after we left the bar. It was also obvious that he was more than a little tipsy last night when he showed up to meet me. I had to try to keep him at arm length all night (which, thankfully, only lasted about an hour and a half before I went home). He must have kissed my cheek 15 times, but I was nice, laughed at him, aggravated him a bit. I just can't be mean. Besides I love to leave guys wanting more, and with him, I knew I had control, and I would always feel good about that down the road. So after discussing how he wanted to come home with me, and me explaining how it wasn't going to happen. He stood, pushed his chair back from the table and announced that he was leaving. So I stood and said I was ready to leave too. We walked out the door, went separate directions, and drove home.

I was amused by his behavior last night, but not really that surprised. He is a total toxic bachelor. He will never get married, and even if he does, it will take a lot of maturity on his part to make the marriage last. I have so much more self restraint and (I hate to use this word) class than he does, and it's so surprising that I can even see that and not be blinded by the good looks and care free attitude. The only reason I went to begin with was because I had already said I would. And I don't regret the decision, it made for yet another one of my terrible humorous date stories.
But on his behalf, he did send me a text message today apologizing for his behavior last night. He said he was sorry he "did it again". I appreciated the apology, but I'm not interested in seeing the older man and his childish attitude again.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Loves In My Life Vol. III

There are other loves in my life besides my friends, family, and Louie V. I have always had a certain attraction to music. Certain songs remind me of certain times in my life, certain heart aches, milestones, people even. I have found that my music interests have changed over the years. One of the first groups I remember getting really attached to was Areosmith ( I was like 12--this was post Vanilla Ice--thank goodness that fad didn't last ). I remember the first time I heard the song "What It Takes", I loved it. I listened to it constantly. I was also a huge fan of "Ragdoll", "Crazy", all of the Areosmith classics.

When my college boyfriend broke my heart, I could no longer listen to Kenny Chesney's, "Back Where I Come From", we had listened to that a million times while drinking beer and riding the back roads. When I moved to Little Rock I was very much into Coldplay, it will always remind me of driving around town and finding my way. Then later the song "Trouble" by Coldplay reminded me of the long term boyfriend I lost when I moved away from him to pursue my life in Little Rock.

Last spring I started listening to Big Head Todd and the Monsters, and I still love them. In fact, when I drove out to Charlotte, NC, I drove through the Smokey Mountains--which I had never done before. It was the most beautiful drive ever. I remember that "Tower" by Big Head Todd came on, and it was amazing how relaxing the drive became with the beautiful scenery and the music that almost seemed like it was written for that drive. Then when I drove out of Charlotte to go home and attend a funeral of a very good friend of mine, I listed to David Grey's "This Years Love", and cried as I realized how much I would miss my friend and how the situation didn't seem real. I remember driving through the Smokies and wanting to listen to "Tower" again, but I knew it wouldn't be the same as the first time, and I wanted to always remember my first drive to Charlotte and that perfect song.

Now, I find myself listening to Southern Rock. (Or Texas Country as some of my friends call it) I am addicted to Cross Canadian Ragweed. I have become a HUGE fan. I bought their newest CD a couple of weeks ago, and tried my best to learn every word. The entire album is just amazing, but "Breakdown" somehow fits me right now. It talks about how you always want to break down, but there just isn't time. That songs really speaks to me, it's so beautiful and true.
Music is another thing that you can love that will never let you down. It will always be there to remind you of the good and the bad times. It will always speak to your soul and comfort you when you need it. And hopefully, occasionally, new albums come out from your favorite artists, and you fall in love all over again.

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Loves In My Life Vol. II

For almost three years I have had one of the best friends you could imagine. He's treated me like a sister, he's loved me no matter what, and he's always made time for me. He's several years older than me. Actually, he's closer to my parents age than my own, but that has never made a difference. We have spent hours talking. He helped me through a particularly tough break up, and between the two of us, we have lost three aunts, a grandfather, a dad, and several friends since we have become friends.

He took me out and got me drunk when my grandfather passed away. He knew it was almost more than I could handle. Then he hugged me for hours while I cried. I took him out and got him drunk when his dad passed away, and also hugged him while he cried. I held his hand during the visitation and funeral, he holds my hand every time I need him. We have been through a lot, and we have become better friends through it all.

But things have changed drastically for us recently. He has had some major changes in his life, and while he has shared them with me, I've been left behind. He now has new priorities and new responsibilities. When he first told me about these "new developments" in his life, I cried. I was so sad, so furious, so heartbroken, because I hate change, and I knew that things had changed forever between us. It's been almost two months since we've had that conversation, and it still hurts. I know he's still there for me, but I also know that things will never be like they where three months ago.

However, I don't worry for myself. It's a harsh reality when you desperately want to help someone, and you know you can't. When you want to make things better for someone, you worry about them, you care about their well being, but you can't do anything to change the situation. That's where I'm at right now. I want him to be happy, but I know that I can't affect his future outcome. I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do but continue to be the best friend I can for him, no matter what.

This is something that I struggle with daily. I think about him a lot and I wonder if he really is doing okay, or if he is just telling me that to comfort me. Because he would do that, he would spare me the worry and lie to me.

I have had a lot of "best friends". But I have never, ever had one that would put my feelings before his own. I have never had one that I can count on as much as him, or one that cares about me as much as he does. And I have never had a friend that is facing the difficult decisions that he is facing. I am so lucky to have him in my life. And I hope that he remembers this everyday.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Loves In My Life Vol. I

(Louie V at 3 1/2 months)

So it's pretty obvious that so far I have only discussed my terrible, crazy, random relationships. I have yet to talk about the great love I have had. The love that set the standard for every guy I have dated since. The love that got away? Maybe. The love that I will never get back? Probably not. The love that I have just recently come to realize I have outgrown? Definitely. I have had a few relationships that I managed to muck up myself. As I am sitting here thinking about this, and listening to the new Cross Canadian Ragweed CD (more to come on that later), I am so currently comfortable with who I am and what kind of person I have become, that I must give credit to some people in my life that have been nothing but good to me.

My first love swept me right off of my feet. From the moment we met, I knew he would somehow play a major part in my life. I also knew that this was going to be a long term relationship. Now I admit that I was in high school. And the argument that I have always been mature for my age is probably not best served here. But he was so great for me. I met him right at the time in my life when most of my girl friends where starting to rebel against their parents, and run a little wild. I never had that stage in my life because of him. He was two and a half years older than me, as cute as could be, played college baseball, and had the absolute best family (other than my own) that I had ever met. It was definitely love at first sight for me. We where inseparable for two years. We where together constantly. When he was on the road traveling, playing baseball, I was with his parents on the road too. I rarely missed a game, and he never missed a homecoming dance, prom, etc. with me either. We lived a couple of hours apart, but we made it work. With lots of long distance phone calls and week night visits when possible, it felt like we lived in the same town instead of almost one hundred and seventy-five miles apart. We where really young, but we discussed marriage. We talked about our future, and where I would go to college. We talked about where we wanted to live some day, what kind of jobs we wanted. We had our whole lives a head of us. And we knew we would have them together.

But then, I started to feel pressure. I didn't want to go to the same college he went to. I wanted to go further down south. I thought we could survive the six hour distance. I thought we would be able to work it out. But then, I started to realize that there was a big world outside of my small hometown and what I had experienced with him so far. I knew that for me to get the kind of college experience I wanted, I needed to do it alone. I couldn't see me moving down south, and a month later us breaking up over the phone. I thought we deserved better than that. So right before I graduated from high school, I broke up with him. I cried the whole time. I was so sad because I loved him so much. But I just knew it was the best thing for us. Or maybe for me. I didn't know as much as I thought I did.

It was a very difficult time for me. I hadn't been a single girl in a long time, and I hadn't spent a weekend without him in so long. He came to my graduation. It was very sweet. I had broken his heart even more since we had broken up by dating another guy. He had seen me and my new date out, and it was very difficult for him. (although at the time of my graduation, I was a single girl again) At my gradation that night, it was really hard for him to look at me. I knew that things between us would never be the same. All along I thought that I just needed some time to experience things, grow as an individual, and that eventually we would get back together, have a family and live happily ever after. Not exactly! We didn't talk at all the rest of the summer, until he called me to tell me he had a pretty serious surgery, and that he had come out of it okay. I had no idea anything was wrong, and all of a sudden all of these happy memories came flooding back. I needed to see him. So I ask him if I could drive down to see him at his parents. When I got there, it wasn’t how I thought it would be. It was great to see him, a little awkward maybe, but not at all like old times. I still loved him, but it was almost like a friendship love that day. I was hoping that that feeling wouldn’t last, and I would have the same feelings I had months before. We spent the day together, and later his girlfriend showed up. Well actually a girl he had been seeing, but he supposedly didn't really like her. He just hung out with her because there wasn't really any one else around that late in the summer.

He broke up with her that day. While I was at his house. He told me that she would never compare to me, and there was no reason to act like she could. I felt really sad for the girl. It was obvious she was crazy about him. I knew that it was a difficult situation for my ex, but I also knew that the girl didn't deserve what had just happened to her. I tried to apologize to her for that bad timing. I hadn't known she was going to show up that day or I never would have put her in that situation. It was very uncomfortable for everyone involved. I felt terrible. I didn’t' want him to think I was leading him on, I didn't want to lose him, and I didn't want him to not move on with his life if that's what he wanted to do. I knew I didn't deserve to have my cake and eat it too, and I would never put him through that situation. Besides I was going to school 6 hours away from him. I figured that over time we would drift and hopefully someday we would find our way back to each other.

That's not exactly what happened next. Just three weeks before school started, I realized that I would no longer be going down south for school. I would be going to school in AR instead. The same school my ex would be attending. I called to tell him the news, and make sure he didn't think it was because of him. Some things had gone on, and I knew that I wasn't ready to be so far from home. So I chose a school a little closer where I could make sure I stayed grounded and focused. At this time I was a little nervous about being "on my own" so to speak. So when school started we hung out a lot. We went to a few parties, movies, dinner, etc. It was like old times, but still no feeling there. I was starting to see how cute some of the guys where on campus. I was starting to see that the world was just a little bit bigger than it had been 3 months previous. I was starting to see why I knew I wanted to be single when I started college. But, I still cared about my ex. And I NEVER led him on. I told him that I needed time, that I loved him, but I still had some growing up to do before I could accept everything that he had to offer. He told me he couldn’t be my friend if he couldn't be my boy friend, and that it was up to me or it was over. So it was over.

Quickly I was devastated. It didn't take two days for me to realize what I had lost. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer, he wouldn't talk to me. Then about a month later I saw him with a girl, holding hands walking her to class. I was so shocked. I had never seen him like that, and all over again I realized what I had given up just to flirt with some cute guys on campus. I knew that it would take a long time to get over him, and he would never take me back.

Eventually he got engaged to that girl. I saw her ring from a distance, and the actual reality of what I had done to us hit me for the first time. Never would we "end up together", as I always thought we would. Never would we be all those things we had planned for each other when I was still in high school. Never again would his mom hug me, never again would I hold his hand, never again would he not be my ex. It was probably one of the saddest times of my life. I lost everything because I was selfish, and even though I tried to do the right thing and not hurt his feelings, I pushed him away just far enough that he found other arms to hold on to.

Three years later, during Christmas break, I got a strange phone call. It was him. It was 3am, and he was drunk. We talked for hours, long enough for him to sober up. He told me they had broken up, it was totally over, and that he was so sorry for the way he had treated me after he had started dating her. I was floored! I had missed him all this time. I had thought about him at least once a day, and tried my best to keep up with him and his family (without sounding psycho), and now he was back in my life. Well at least back in my speed dial. We decided to see each other when we got back from break. We hung out off and on for the next year. I wanted so much more than friendship. Even after all of that time, I knew that this was our chance to "come back to each other". But for him it was dead. He never saw us as anything other than friends that had lost touch for a long time. I wanted to tell him so many times, but I was afraid I would lose him. He had a pattern of only calling me and "needing" me when something bad happened. A friend or family member passed away, that sort of thing. Not that I didn't like him needing me, I just wished it was all the time, and not when something bad happened. But we stayed friends, or at least acquaintances. During all of that time, we never once kissed, held hands, etc. We never did after the night we broke up when I was still in high school. I always wanted to just kiss him one time, just to see if it was still there.

I got my chance last year when he came to my home town to go out with me and some friends and get crazy drunk at the local bar. We had a quick drunk kiss. There wasn't much there. There was for me, but it was so emotional, and for him, there was obviously nothing but a lot of beer and tequila. So that was that. For now we are still friends/acquaintances. We talk from time to time, but it's not like it used to be. I doubt it will ever be again.

But that ex changed how I have since looked at all other guys. He was so sweet, so caring, thoughtful, attentive, loving, and patient when we dated. He set the standard. He showed me what it was like to be in a great relationship. But what we had is all in the past, we have both changed since then, and we didn't change together. We have grown, mostly apart from each other.
My current, and hopefully long term love, is Louie Vuitton. No, not the crazy expensive handbag (which I hope to get for Christmas), but my new puppy. I call him Louie V for short, and sometimes LOUIS VUITTON ( to sound more proper) when he gets in trouble. He is an angle! And while I am definitely not trying to substitute him for a man or social life. It's nice to have someone that loves me unconditionally without hurting my feelings. For the record I am definitely not going to turn into one of the old ladies that has 100 cats, and no one else in her life. (This would never happen, I'm a dog person.) Seriously, it's nice to come home to the same comfortable face every day. Even if it belongs to a 4 month old Chihuahua. Right now, all I need is my sweet Louie V and my independence.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Disappearing Man??

Still no word from the new guy (now known as the disappearing man). I know I should be just furious about this. But I'm really not. I'm disappointed, of course, but it's just not surprising. Like I've said I am totally used to this type of random behavior.

However, a friend of mine has a new theory. She says that disappearing man and the guy from my "Busted?" blog log had this planned all along. She says that they did this because of the way I sort of blew off the first guy when we both moved away. She thinks it was a big conspiracy! However, I don't buy it. First they are both in their 30's! Surely guys in their 30's would have better things to do then plan this crazy scheme. Second, I don't care how good of an actor you are, there is no way he could have acted like he was so into me when it was a scam all along. I don't mean this to sound cocky at all. I just really don't think this pathetic attempt would be worth wasting so much time over.

Therefore, I am really not wasting any more time on it. Trying to imagine what happened, yes. But I haven't' and won't call, text or e-mail him. Besides, it's just not my style to chase. I’m just not that kind of girl.

Speaking of "that kind of girl" I read a now infamous blog today for the first time. I was shocked at how much information she puts on her blog. CRAZY!!! I would never be able to be as blunt and crude as she was, I'm still in shock over what I read!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Bamed Again!

Yep, it happened again! I put my trust in someone, and bam--just like that I got let down AGAIN. It's becoming so common in my life that it doesn't even really bother me, I'm almost numb to it.

So the "new guy" that I talked about last week, the one coming into town for a few days, he's the one that bamed me! He came into town last week, and I met him and some of his buddies for dinner. It was wonderful sitting and talking to this guy that I hadn't seen in a couple of months. We had talked on the phone a little and e-mailed a little more, so it was nice to be back in his company. Well I had a great time on Thursday. We ended up sitting outside at my house drinking Margaritas and talking, I had so much fun. We talked about everything. We talked about what we would do the rest during the rest of his visit (which was 5 nights total), and he told me about some parties that we would go to. I was having so much fun with him. And he loved Louie Vuitton!

Friday, I again went out to dinner with him and some of his friends, then we had planned on going downtown. Well due to lack of sleep the night before, and an early day for him on Saturday, we decided that we would just get some wine and sit out back at my house. I introduced him to my neighbor, and we all sat outside for awhile. It was great. I learned so much more about him by listening to him and my neighbor talk. He was so sweet, so funny, kind, interesting, smart, and so good looking. When he went in the house to get another glass of wine my neighbor just gushed over how good of a person he seemed to be.

There was absolutely NO indication of what would happen next. Saturday morning he told me he would call me and we would go to the gym the next day then we would go out to dinner and downtown. That night was supposed to be a huge party night, and I was really excited about spending more time with him. Especially since he would be leaving town again on Tuesday (tomorrow). But, he never called. Not once! I never heard from him on Saturday or yesterday. Saturday I sat around and waited until I knew it was obvious we would not meet up that night, then I went out with some friends of mine. I wasn't really sad about the whole thing, I would say surprised was more how I felt. Anyway, yesterday I hung out with my neighbor and her family all day. Keeping my cell phone close. But still nothing. I haven't sat and fumed about it. But I do wonder what exactly happened. He just never called again. This is like a habit with me and dating. I always date guys who NEVER call back.

I will admit that I have analyzed this situation just a little. I have thought about it. Was it something I did? Was it something he said and I didn't pick up on it? I honestly can't come up with anything. This is the first time that I really can't come up with any excuse at all. He seemed like he was really into me. I scanned that book, "He's Just Not That Into You" yesterday, looking for a clue. And there was nothing-other than the fact that he just never called again. But leading up to that there was no sign. I also reviewed the "Rules" book again, but nothing there either. I played it out perfectly. I don't know what happened. So I have come up with a few theories--with the help of my good friend DCShiraz.

He and the guy that he just happens to know, that I just happen to used to date a little where in on this together. What if he (new guy) and the other guy planned this in some evil scheme to get me back for falling out of touch with the other guy. What if the new guy, so mature and in his 30's, was immature enough to go along with this? But honestly I can't see two people putting enough time and effort into this just to get back at me. That seems a little psycho-which I didn't think either guy was, and a little bit like they don't have anything better to do.

What if the new guy was in a terrible accident? Maybe he was attacked by bears and both arms where torn off, so he can't dial the phone, or send an e-mail.

What if he got bitten by a monkey and has Ebola virus?

What if something terrible happened in his family and he had to rush home, and he just hasn't even thought to call me because he is so distraught and busy?

What if he lost his phone?--this theory won't work though, since he has my e-mail address and knows where I live.

What if he got amnesia? He doesn't even remember me, so he will never think to call me back?

I don't think any of these theories will work. But I just don't know what happened. DCShiraz and I where trying to decide if I should just send him an e-mail that says, blah, blah, just wanted to know you got back okay. I did have a good time Thursday and Friday night, thanks so much, I hope the rest of your visit was good. But then again, my pride would prefer me to think he got attacked by a bear, and would never be able to answer my e-mail anyway, so it would just be a waste to send it.

So once again, my commitment issues are reinforced with a crappy situation like this. Just when I meet a guy and let my guard down a little bit. He bams me, and I remember why I don't want to commit.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Dating Stock

Lately I've been taking stock of my past relationship. I have been trying to see what patterns I am following, to see if maybe I keep dating the wrong guys, because I am basically dating the same types of guys over and over. It's apparent that I've dated the guys that lie--a lot. But then I've also dated the ones that where to sweet for their own good. I've dated the older and younger, really, really wealthy and the ones that couldn't afford to finish college. I've dated the ones that loved to watch sports, and the ones that loved to play any sport. I've dated party guys, home bodies, hard bodies, alcoholics-or close to it, major church goers, and the ones that haven't seen the inside of a church since baptism.

So what am I doing wrong? Am I not showing enough interest? To much interest? I'm I to fat, to thin, to focused, to free spirited, to blonde, not blonde enough, to tan, to pale, maybe I dress up to much, or maybe I always look like a bum. Whatever I am doing wrong won't change any time soon. I will never change something to get a guy. I may adapt, take on some of his interest so we have more things to do together (i.e. golf, tennis, not binge drinking or going to strip bars). I may alter things to fit into his schedule, like eating dinner at 7:30 instead of 6:45, but these changes will only happen if things are mutual in the relationship. But lets face it, I won't have to adapt or alter if I continue my single girl status.

The funny thing is, I know exactly what I want in a relationship right now. I don't necessarily even want a relationship right now, but if I was to have one, I know exactly what qualities (shallow or not) that I want. He would have to be:
*Cute, tall, dark, pretty eyes, nice skin (Yes this is shallow, I know)

*Thoughtful. I want the little things. Renting my favorite movie if I’m sick. Bringing me flowers for no reason. They don't have to be expensive, they could be out of his neighbors garden. Little things make the big things mean so much more!

*Attentive. Hold my hand sometimes in public, give me a little hug for no reason. I want it to be obvious when we are out in public that we are together. He doesn't have to be in my hip pocket at all times, that would drive me crazy. When out with a big group of friends, we could mingle and talk to other people most of the night. Just check in once in awhile with a little hug or kiss.

*Have a great family. I have the best family. I really am lucky. My parents are fun and sweet, and really easy to be around. I want the same thing in a guy I am dating. I know that you can't help who your family is, and I know that every family has a black sheep, or 5 or 6. But, I dated a guy who wouldn't take me home to meet his family because I was Catholic, therefore, they would never except. I wouldn't want to meet them either if they where that narrow minded. I also dated a guy whose mom told me I was going to hell because I wouldn't come to her church. Well I bit my tongue, but I should have told her I would save her a seat in the judgmental section of hell. So family is a very important factor for me.

*Established. I want a guy to be able to take care of himself-financially. I don't want a rich preppy guy who doesn't know how to get his hands dirty. But I don't want to have to support a guy either. And if we want to go eat at a nice restaurant every once in a while, I want that to be possible. I want to have nice things, but I don't want to date a guppy.

*Happy. I have dated some guys who where so miserable with their lives and how they turned out, that they just drug everyone else down. I don't want a guy like that. I am so thankful for everything that I have, I want a guy who appreciates what he has too! If your not happy, you can't make someone else happy.

*Athletic. Okay, another shallow quality. But going to the gym is a big part of my daily routine. It's important for me not only to stay in shape, but to relieve any stress I might have. I want a guy who stays in shape and enjoys working out too. However, I don't want a crazy, roid head who takes working out to extremes. To much of something can be a bad thing.

*Stylish. Okay, my last shallow quality. But there are some things guys just shouldn't wear. (i.e. blue jean shorts, black shoes with navy socks, brown shoes with black dress pants, chest hair out of the top of a shirt-never, gold chains, more jewelry than me, solid white tennis shoes with jeans)

*Respectful. I need someone who treats me with respect. I don't want someone who talks down to me or treats me like a child.

*Good hygiene. This is self explanatory!
Some of these qualities I've found. But I want them all. I want the fairy tail. I want to be swept off of my feet. I want to be completely in love. I know most of these feelings eventually fade, then you have to decide if there is enough left to keep the relationship going. I know that the newness wears off. But I also know that I want to be in a relationship where when that newness wears off I have the choice to decide if it's the fairy tail or not. If this could in fact be, The One.

Monday, October 03, 2005

The One Who Keeps Coming Back After He Never Called Again

Why is it that if you act like you don't care after a break up, the other person just keeps coming back?

I dated this guy for a few months. Now I know a few months hardly constitutes a "serious" relationship. But it was different with us. He moved to the town I was living in, I helped him move into a house. I met his parents, and a lot of his other family members. It seemed great, it seemed like something that was going to really last. I let my guard down quite a bit, but I never really trusted him. I never felt completely comfortable. Still, the first time I saw him, I knew I wanted to go out with him, somehow I knew that he would impact my life. My grandfather had just died quite suddenly, and I was still reeling from that. Actually I was still in shock, this might have had something to do with why I was so attracted to this guy (just kidding). He did come into my life at just the right time though. Right when I needed someone to take my mind off of family stuff and sadness (this was my second funeral in a week, I had lost a great aunt, my grandfathers sister just a week before he passed).

At first everything was great. He was very attentive, he was sweet, and I was a great girlfriend. Any time I would leave town, he would go out with his buddies and get wild and crazy. I would never get upset in the least, but I never trusted that he was being faithful. Call it past experience, or a great intuition, but I just felt like something wasn't there. After a couple of months of bliss, the newness faded, and it really wasn't much fun any more. He was working all the time, we never really saw each other, and I was bored with my life. So one Friday when he never called, I went out with my friends, had my own wild and crazy night, and just figured we where finished. {Now to most it might sound like I am being a little hasty. However, I had quickly learned from his friends that when they no longer wanted to date a girl, no matter how long the relationship, or how serious, they simply never called her again. Ever! They talked about her and made fun of her to their other buddies when she would call and leave messages on their cell phones, but they would never, ever, call her again.} The next evening, he called. I never acted like I was upset about the night before, I never mentioned it, and neither did he. He told me he was getting off work, and that he would call me and we would go eat dinner. I had already made plans to go out with some friends, but I didn't say a word about that to him. I didn't cancel my plans though. Somehow I knew he wouldn’t call back. By 9:15, I knew it was to late to eat dinner, I still hadn't heard from him, so I proceeded on with my evening. I went out with some girlfriends, and we had a blast. I was a little upset that he treated me exactly the same way his friends had treated their past girlfriends, but for him it was to be expected. He promised me several times that if he ever decided he didn't want to date me any more, he would at least tell me, he wouldn’t just blow me off. But, I knew better, he was a lot like his friends, I knew what to expect with him.

Fast forward two and a half months. I was leaving to move to NC in a few days, and there was a great band playing at my favorite local bar, so my girlfriends and I, along with a guy I had sort of been seeing and his friends all met up at the bar that night. Of course the ex was there, but I wasn't bothered (this was the first time I had seen him since he never called again). I had my great friends, my cutie new crush, and all of his friends with me. I was ready to have fun and dance the night away. I wasn't, however, ready for what happened next. As our small group was standing around waiting on beers, my date noticed a t-shirt this guy was wearing that read, "I'd rather be in hell than Texas". Well, my date, being from TX, thought this was great. He grabbed the guys arm (the guy being much, much smaller than my date) and turned him towards me saying, "can you believe this guys t-shirt". At this point I looked up and was staring right into the face of my ex, and his t-shirt (my date had no idea we used to date, or that we even knew each other). It was perfect. My ex was clearly surprised to see me, and to see that I was on a date. It was the perfect closure for me. After some awkward conversation with the ex, I danced the night away with my group of friends, and went home happy, and a little tipsy!

Then he called. At about 2:30 that morning. He called to tell me that I had a few things at his house and he would be happy to give them back to me because they where mine and he wanted to see me again. I was not surprised, I had seen his friends get drunk and do the exact same thing to their ex's. But I was not one of their ex's, I knew how to handle this situation. I thanked him for offering, but assured him I had already replaced the things I had left at his house. I told him to keep them, but thanks for phone call. He was very surprised that I didn't seem to care, that I was polite, but short with him, and he wished me good luck in NC then hung up.

When I moved back to AR, a friend of mine, who just happens to live with a friend of the ex, let it slip that I was back in town. So of course the ex started contacting me again. We agreed to meet for lunch one day, and have talked on the phone a few times. He calls occasionally, we talk, catch up, but never see each other, or make plans to. It's very strange since we only live a few miles from each other. I don't mind him calling. It doesn't mess with my head, or lead me on. I don't sit by the phone hoping he'll call. He's invited me over to his house for a party once, but I was out of town.

Now, for the record, the ex is very prideful. He listens to his friends, and he rarely does anything that they would rag him about. (i.e. getting back with someone he used to date) His friends are all alike, they all treat girls basically the same, they are all pretty much in the same place in their lives. They like to get what they can from girls, they don't want any type of commitment, and they don't care if they hurt someone's feelings.

So I do wonder, in relationships, how come one person always seems to keep coming back. It's been like this in almost every relationship I've been in. It's never cut and dry, it's never over when it's over. It always drags on until some monumental thing happens, then, finally, it's OVER. I have several theories as to why this sometimes happens.
1. The ex sees that I am doing just fine, and he is drawn back to me because I am not F'ed up over him.
2. The ex sees that I have gotten closure, and even though he is the one that basically ended it (even though we never did in so many words), he needs the same closure that I have found.
3. The ex always wants what he wants when he wants it. Although he is okay with hurting peoples feelings to get it.
4. The ex is horny!

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