Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Thankful Thanksgiving

Camden's friend spend the entire Thanksgiving break with us. From Wednesday until Sunday, he drank and smoked cigars with my dad, talked with my mom, and aggravated me. He fit right in. Everyone was happy to have him around. He told me about the things that happened, promises that were made, and things that were done. It made me really sad to hear some of the things he told me, it wasn't an easy situation for anyone.

On Thanksgiving Day the friend and I went to Camden's families house for lunch (after lunch with my family). They were all in good spirits, laughing and joking. But you couldn't help but notice the missing link. Although it was a very upbeat lunch, I still caught myself thinking about the fact that it should have been Camden's home coming meal. It made me realize how lucky I was to have my own family dinner with no missing link.

I took the friend out and introduced him to nightlife in a "one bar" town. I also introduced him to my best girlfriend from home, and BFD's (Bad F#$%ing Drinks), the house beverage at our only bar. We took Camden's little sister out with us, she's now 21 and officially legal!!! I think everyone had a really good time, well from what I remember anyway.

I also got to spend some time with the Mississippi Boyfriend. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks, so it was nice to spend time together. I went to his hometown (he actually grew up in Southern Missouri, like myself), and he stayed a night with my parents and I. We had a great visit, I've really missed him. I'll be in Biloxi soon staying with him!!!

Thanksgiving break, while fun, was really difficult for everyone. We all miss Camden so much, and it was really hard because he would have just gotten home that week. This past weekend really put the Thanksgiving Holiday into perspective for me, and made me realize all of the things I am thankful for.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dear Friend,

For some reason today, I miss you more than ever. I've felt myself on the verge of tears all day, and trying to hold it together. I had a dream about you last night friend. A dream so vivid and so real that when I woke up I wasn't sure if it was a dream at all. For a little bit I argued my common sense that it had just actually happened.

In my dream friend, you and I sat talking. I held on to your arm with both hands, and we just talked. I told you about how I read your eulogy. You told me things I can't seem to remember now, things about that day. That's the thing about dreams I guess, no matter how real they seem, parts are still a little foggy.

I was so happy to see you friend, in my dream. I hugged you, and smiled and laughed, it was so real. Maybe I miss you so much today because of my dream. Did you put this dream into my sleep last night to tell me something?

I told you in the dream I hadn't forgotten about you, and just because I haven't cried in a couple days doesn't mean I'm forgetting about you. I hope you don't think that could ever happen.

Oh friend I miss you so much. It's going to be a tough Thanksgiving going home and knowing that you are supposed to be there. It's going to make for a tougher Christmas being home without you.

Please visit my dreams whenever you want. If that's the only way I get to talk to you, I'll take it. I miss you dear friend, and I'll love you always.

Love Anne

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Giving Oxford A Second Chance

I'm not big on second chances. That old saying, "Everyone deserves a second chance," yeah, I don't believe that. I think second chances are a good idea, but I don’t think everyone is worthy of a second chance. However, I think the Mississippi Boy and I deserve to try it again, and I think we deserve for it to work out this time.

I'm meeting him in Oxford this weekend, or at least that's the current plan. The last time we spent the weekend together in Oxford it wasn't great, in fact, it wasn't even good. It seemed like we were both trying to hard, or maybe we weren't trying at all, I don't know.

Right after I came back from Oxford we got into a huge argument and I decided that he didn't need to fly to LR to see me. We basically ended things on the phone and that was that. But then of course we started talking again, and he drove to LR two weeks ago. We had a very nice, laid back, no family around weekend. It was just what we needed.

He wanted me to drive to Biloxi this weekend, but due to work restraints, I won't be able to, so we are meeting in Oxford. I'm planning a trip to see him in December, he'll be home for Thanksgiving, and hopefully we'll be together for Christmas and New Years.

I'm not worried about it being weird again this weekend in Oxford, okay that's a lie, I’m a little nervous about it. But, I'm going to give it a second chance, and hope that we deserve it.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Home To Say Goodbye

I know I haven't posted in a while, there's just been to much sadness in my life to post something happy. Every day I think about my good friend and I miss him. I still don't think it's set in that he's really gone. I went home last week to say goodbye to him. The service was beautiful, all of the soldiers in uniform, and a packed church an hour before things got started, it was very touching.

It was very difficult to go to Camden's house, see his sister, and know that Camden would never physically be there again. All of his high school friends got together the night of his visitation. It was nice to see everyone, we sort of held each other up while we were all together. Everyone was struggling, and we were just there for each other, that's all we knew to do.

The eulogy was read in three parts, with me reading the first part. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I was honored to get the chance to tell stories from my childhood with Camden. I told things to make people laugh, and draw a clear pictures of the mischievous boy that grew into an honorable man. I kept it together by thinking the entire time, if Camden were doing this for me, he would hold it together for my families sake, so I did, I read what I wrote loud and strong, and I kept my tears in until later.

When we left the church and drove out to the cemetery, the streets were lined with people holding flags. It was the most powerful thing I've ever seen. Small children, senior citizens, JROTC members from the high school, cotton gin workers, teachers, farmers, I saw so many faces I recognized. As we made that two mile drive there must have been at least 1000 people standing out in the freezing weather. I saw homemade signs reading, "You're our hero Camden," and I saw people that I'd never seen before with tears running down their faces. At the cemetery, he was given a full military burial. My tears I'd fought so hard to keep in spilled out when they played Taps. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

I didn't want to leave Camden that day, and I didn't want to drive all the way back to Little Rock. But I thought if it were him, he'd leave me, and go back to his responsibilities. But I know he'd come visit me every chance he got.

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