My Many Crushes, Dates, And Debaucheries of 2005

I started the year off with a New Years Eve kiss from the sweetest guy. We dated for a couple of weeks before he told me, "I could really care for you, if only you weren't Catholic." Turns out he would only date someone that was of the same religion him. We have stayed friends though. I hate that he is narrow minded about religion, but I understand. If he couldn't take me home to meet his parents some day, then what's the point in dating.

A couple of months later I dated they guy who never called me back. We dated for three months, where as serious at two people can get (and still be sane) during three months, then he just never called me back. (However, now he calls pretty often. I think he just has a case of, he wants what he can't have) I really liked him, really liked his family, but apparently we where not on the same page. I wonder now if he regrets his actions? He sure calls enough.

That breakup, or non-breakup pushed me right into the sweetest guy ever. He was, unfortunately, moving away just a month after I met him. But during that month it was great. I was also moving away the same weekend he was, we thought we could try to work it out. But that only lasted about a week before it was obvious that outside of that one month, there was nothing else there.

Next was a string of disasters. The rockstar who was only in town for the weekend. We met after his bands concert, and we talked on the phone lots after he left. He wanted me to come see a show down in TX, I actually considered it. Until I returned his call one morning and his girlfriend picked up the phone and politely cussed me out and ask me not to call again. I didn't know he was dating someone, and I told her he never gave me any indication that she existed, then I politely hung up and deleted his number from my phone. Next was the writer. I had a small crush on him since moving to LR, and I thought, on my last night in town, I should tell him. Well I did, and he was real sweet about it, but that ended what little friendship we had, and I haven't talked to him since. Then there was the forbidden guy from my hometown. I was home for a month, and had to attend a good friends funeral, he was there, I was there, it made sense at the time. After a week I got really tired of him "being there" all the time, so I moved on to a younger guy. Another forbidden guy from home. Actually a friend of my younger brother. He treated me really sweet. He was thoughtful, considerate, but he didn't have much drive, and I didn't want to raise him. So when I moved back to AR, that was the end of that.

After moving back to AR, I ran into several guys that I used to date. I went out quite a bit to see old friends and get back into the social groove. Meeting up with ex's kept me busy for a few weeks, but again, this was all disastrous.

Then I developed a small flirtation with a guy at the gym. He was totally wrong for me. He was overly confident, and I think he even had a girlfriend that he didn't tell me about . Either way, he occupied my time for at least a couple hours a day while we where working out. But, now looking back I can see that he is much better off as a friend.

I started dating a twin that completely shook me up, for about two weeks. He was so cute, so sweet, such a liar. He lied to me almost every time he opened his mouth. Then his twin brother ask me out and said he didn't want his brother to know. How crazy! That was just to much drama for me. However, I did date a good friend of theirs for a couple of weeks, another bad idea.

Now I am alone. Which is probably a good thing considering the luck I've had in 05. I have had a crush on someone since early September. This, I will have to say, is the longest crush without even so much as a date, that I have ever had. I wrote about him in my "Infatuation" entry. I am just sitting and waiting on him to ask me out. I am tried of taking things in my own hands.

So who will I kiss this New Years Eve? I will give Louie V a kiss on top of the head if I am home at midnight, which I hope I won't be. More than likely I will kiss all of my friends, on the cheek of course.

The Things I've Learned

I've had quite a year. I' have been thinking about all of the things that have happened to me this year. All of the things that have changed me, molded me, hurt me, made me smile. I have come up with the following list of the things I have learned this year.

•The death of loved ones still hurts, no matter how many times you experience it. (I've been to seven funerals this year--two in one week)
•Driving through the Rocky Mt's is something everyone should do at least once.
•Cross Canadian Ragweed may be one of the best bands ever. (At least to me)
•I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket.
•I am not afraid to pack up my stuff and move away, even if just for a small time.
•I am responsible enough to take care of a dog, and plants!
•Arkansas feels like home to me.
•I don't let people walk all over me, I will get back in their face when confronted.
•I don't hold a grudge, even if I should.
•People lie a lot more than you think.
•I can take care of myself, most of the time.
•I love to run, I crave it.
•I can pee in a men's restroom at a crowded bar, and not be embarrassed.
•I can shoot Wild Turkey with the best of them. (maybe not something to brag about)
•I am strong when I'm alone.
•I am comfortable in my own skin, finally.

Making this list is actually a very positive way to think of the year. While compiling it, I felt motivated for 2006, and proud of my accomplishments during 2005.

Here Comes Santa Claus

I always start making my Christmas wish list months in advance. I make my list as detailed as possible in order to give my parents lots of gift ideas.

You see, Christmas is not just another day in my family. We have certain traditions that have been passed down for generations. My entire family ( immediate - close to 40 people) are always packed into my parents house on Christmas Eve for a wild game dinner and drinks! We are strong Catholics, we believe in having an adult beverage when we get the family together (or on any other day that ends in Y)!! Because it takes so much preparation for my parents to get ready for the Christmas Eve party, they start shopping early, and they usually ask that I pick up some gifts for myself. This takes a little bit of the pressure off of them, and it allows me to get exactly what I want. It works out good for all parties involved. This year will be no different. I have purchased the majority of the gifts my parents will give me, and they will pay me back when I'm home for the Holidays.

My parents have always made Christmas the most wonderful holiday. They cook this huge meal (with the help of me and my brother the professional chef) for Christmas Eve. The house is always decorated beautifully and it always smells wonderful. The entire family comes over and eats and drinks until the early hours of the morning. If it snows on Christmas Eve (which rarely happens) we always have a huge snowball fight outside, we track in mud and snow and my parents never complain. The house is always a total wreck when everyone leaves, and my mom and dad (and usually myself included) always clean everything up before we go to bed so it will be nice and clean on Christmas Morning.

Christmas Morning we awake to the smells of coffee, breakfast, and hot apple cider. We open presents, eat, and enjoy each others company until it's time to go to a relatives house for Christmas lunch. These traditions will stick with me forever. They make Christmas my favorite holiday.

I hope everyone has as nice of a Christmas as my family and I do. Merry Christmas!

How Did We Overlook You

I went out the other night with a group of college friends. We ran into some guys that we went to school with, but they didn't recognize me. I told them that we had all had classes together, they still didn't remember me. I told them the organizations I was involved in, and that I was on Homecoming Court, they still had no idea who I was.

Then one of them said to me, "How did we overlook you"? Wow, was that a compliment or an insult? Either way it got me to thinking of the things I have overlooked in the past. I am a very perceptive person, I don't miss much. I have overlooked people being mean or hurtful to me. I have done that several times, but I can't remember ever overlooking someone and then pointing it out to them later. That seems a bit cruel.

I have overlooked a smartass comment thrown my way for no reason. I have overlooked people cutting me off in traffic (although with my mild road rage I probably cussed them under my breath). I rarely get pushed around, but some things are better left overlooked.

I've thought a lot about this the past few days. Was I that easy to miss when I was in college, or where these two guys just so busy (i.e. self-absorbed) that they didn't notice me. How many wonderful people have I overlooked or not noticed? And what a strange thing to point out to someone, that you overlooked them.

Infatuation

Watching the reflection of him in the window. I can see every time he looks my way. He can't see me watching, I’m safe. He looks often, as often as I would like. He's focused. I can see him concentrating in the reflection. Then his concentration is broken as he looks my way again.

We talk on most days. We say hello. Some days we just nod and smile at each other, and continue on our way. When we do talk it's fun and animated. We have a few things in common, maybe not enough though. He ask me about my upcoming weekends. He says he has something in the works and I should come. I tell him I would love to, we smile. Then we talk a little more and he's gone. He can’t reach me, he doesn't have my number or even my e-mail address. How will I know about the weekend plans if I don't see him before then. I'm afraid I won't see him before then.

I haven't seen him in a while. I've thought about him, thought about those weekend plans. I've secretly watched him for months. I've played it cool though. I've wondered if he's thought about me.

Lucky In Friendship

I've been thinking a lot about the relationships I've had this year. I've had some time to reflect on my circle of friends, how it's changed over the course of the year, and how I feel about these changes. I've also had time to think about the people that have meant the most to me this year. The one's that have stood beside me and behind me. The people that have watched me survive, watched me get angry, watched me get motivated, and watched me grow into the person that I am now. I am very lucky to have so many people in my life that care so much about me. I'm also a little sad that I am not as close to some of the people that I was at this time last year.

I must admit I have the best family in the world (of course I'm a little biased). But they are great. My parents are supportive, loving, and always willing to give advice when I desperately need it. My brother is happy, healthy, and doing what he loves. He's sweet, funny, and I miss him so very much. My two best friends from home (a girl my age, and a guy who is 38) are the best friends I could ever ask for. They go out of their way to spend time with me when I do get to go home. They always call to fill me in on the latest gossip, and never forget my birthday. I have several good friends here in Little Rock. I have a "circle", which is more a less a group of us that all go out together, look out for each other, and stay in constant contact. We always have a good time when we go out, and we always invite people outside of the "circle" to go out. This makes it a lot of fun because often times when we get the "crew", as we call it, together, there are 20+ people with us.

I have two very special girl friends here that I have been close to for a long while. These two girls are always there for me. They are happy to go to lunch, shopping, out on the town, or lay around and do nothing by analysis the drama from the weekend before. These two girls always give me wonderful advice, always listen to my crazies stories, and never judge me. These two girls, DC Shiraz and neighbor Alexsis are the two best girlfriends I could ever ask for. I love them dearly.

I am very lucky to have so many caring special people in my life. I am constantly surrounded by love, and even though the only real man in my life is Louie V, I am lucky to be loved by so many friends.. I am lucky to have such good people I call my friends and family.

The Things People Say

This weekend was quite the drama filled event. My second most recent disaster of a friend boy (i.e. not quite a boy friend, not just a friend) and I ran into each other. It was nice to see him again (and his younger brother who just ask me out last weekend--very twisted situation). We talked, danced, and during this time I discovered that he lied about several things he told me when we had been seeing each other. As a matter of fact he lied about so many things he couldn't remember his lies, so he just denied ever having said them. Why would he say these things if they weren't true? I was surprised to find that the sweet, seemingly innocent, shy, quite guy I dated was in fact none of those things.

His younger brother ended up having a sleep over at some girls house and later couldn't get in at his brothers apartment, so where did he go for help? My most recent disaster of a friend boy's house. Where he continued to ask the most recent if he could have my phone number because he thought his brother might have slept at my house. Can you believe that? Like I am that sad and desperate? Why would he say that? Why would he assume his brother would be at my house? We didn't leave together, we went our separate ways? After a very strange phone call from the brother, and a later conversation with the most recent disaster, I put the pieces together. I never ask where the second most recent disaster slept, I didn't think it was any of my business, and I didn't care enough to inquire.

I found that I was involved in quite the dating square for about the past month with these three boys. This is one of the reasons I have decided a hunger strike is best for me. Lately the things people say to me have not been anywhere near what the truth actually is. Lately the things people say to me are things that are meant to be hateful and mean. Lately the things people say to me have made me realize that the people who say these things are not nice people or the kind of people I need to listen to.

Feast Or Famine

A friend of mine once told me that dating was either feast or famine. You go hungry for months without a real date, a real crush, a real interest, and then you are hit with several all at once. You pick and chose, you decide which one(s) you like the best, then something happens, and your in a famine again.

I have been feasting lately. Now, I think I'm going on a hunger strike. I'm tired of the whole thing, the broken promises, the miscommunication, the things left unsaid, the selfishness, everything.

In life do you have to starve for several years before you can be happy, content, full?

Principle Of Least Interest

Is it true that the person who cares the least is in control of the relationship? My mom has told me this every time I have called her to complain that he didn't call when he said he was going to or he didn't call at all for that matter. Every time I'm upset about being let down my some guy I've been seeing my mom always says, "Anne you know that the person who cares the least is always in control, I've told you this before."

Does it have to be this way? Can't it be equal? The more thought I've put into it, the more I think my mom is right. It can't be equal. How do two people equally care about each other? It's just not possible. I can look at relationships where I started out in control. The guy did his best to make a good impression. He opened the car door, he told me I looked beautiful, he was sweet, thoughtful, etc. Then I look at how I acted a few weeks/months into it. Did I change so much that he started acting differently toward me, or did I give the control to him. I can look at marriages where couples have been together for twenty plus years, it's the same thing. There is always one person in the relationship who strives to make the other one happy. The fixer, the care giver, the sacrificer, this person is usually not the one in control. Not that after twenty years it should really matter who has control. Lets face it, these days if a marriage lasts twenty years, it's been successful.

This theory often makes me hold back so I won't care the most, or care at all for that matter. I don't want to lose control until I know it's someone worth losing control over. I don't want to lose control until I know that he won't treat me like he doesn't care, won't take me for granted, won't hurt me on purpose! Right now I need control, right now I'm not out of control.

New Years Eve Shot Gun

New Years Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year. I love getting dressed up and going out with friends. Two of my college friends have a birthday on New Years Day, so last year we had a huge celebration for the New Year and their birthday, it was a lot of fun.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do this year. I know I won't be going out with the girls I went out with last year, we have since grown apart. There will be lots of my college friends in town this year, and they are planning a huge party downtown. I thought I might do that. I considered going home since my moms birthday is December 30th, and I haven't been home on her birthday in a long time. I thought about trying to get together with some old high school friends too. However, my thoughts of New Years Eve changed just a little this weekend.

I went to a Taylor fight party on Saturday night--as did most Arkansans. It was at a guys house I have been seeing for a couple of weeks. The guy and I went to college together, I've know him/of him for several years. We have taken things very slow, we only see each other a couple of times a week, we don't talk every day, it's been nice going so slow. On Saturday he ask me what I was planning for New Years Eve. I told him about a the huge party our friends are throwing downtown, and how I was told to inform him about it.

He ask me to attend a wedding with him on New Years Eve. The wedding is in West Arkansas, and it just happens to be the wedding for the earlier mentioned guy that just recently got engaged and has a baby on the way. I used to sort of date this guy, and while I have no feelings for him, would it be strange to be at his wedding? Strange for him that is? The guy I've been seeing knows about our past, and it doesn't bother him at all. I doesn't bother me either, I just don't want it to be weird. So, now it looks like my plans have changed from partying like a rock star with a couple hundred friends from college, to attending the wedding of an ex. How do I get into these strange situations? I didn't say yes or no to these plans for New Years Eve, I just said I would think about it.