Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will now be considered in my mid-twenties instead of my early twenties. Another year has gone by, and nothing has changed much. Lot's has changed. I have lost over fifteen pounds, I've moved into a job that can be considered a career, I've moved into a house and out of an apartment, I've split ties with my best friends from college and I've bought a dog. I don't mind being alone, I appreciate routine and consistency, I healthier and happier. I'm more mature, I'm an adult, I'm a woman.

At this time a year ago I was getting ready to go to New Orleans with my mom on our annual trip. We both loved the city, and we usually stayed for a several days. We would shop, eat, drink, and have mother/daughter time. It was great! Taking that trip with her is one of my favorite memories. Last year at this time I was still attempting to win my ex-boyfriend from home back. I was still calling him, still listening to his bs, still letting him control me. Last year at this time I was sort of dating a guy that is now engaged with a child on the way. (I just found this out yesterday, and little did I know he was dating his now baby momma when he was supposedly dating me. Funny how that happens) Last year at this time I went out with my two best girl friends every weekend night. We where inseparable, now we hardly speak. Last year at this time I was starting a new job. Last year at this time I wasn't really happy, I was just content.

I'm much different than I was at this time last year. I no longer look to people to make me happy. I have decided that if I'm not happy I can't begin to make someone else happy. I think about my future more, instead of just living for the moment. I try not to judge people, and I listen to ideas that don't necessarily match my own. I pray more, and I try to be a better person. But I still like to have fun!

So tomorrow is my birthday. I'm actually a little sad about it. It's not really going to be special. I know that sounds childish, but I was raised in a family where birthdays where special. My family goes all out for holidays, birthdays included. This one is sort of a milestone, yet I won't see my family, and most of my friends have things they need to do tomorrow, moving out "night out" back to Friday or Saturday. I know I shouldn't be sad, but it's going to be just like any other day. My neighbor is taking me out to dinner, which I am looking forward to, but my family won't be there. I'll miss that a little. That's one thing that hasn't changed about me. When it comes to my family, I would still rather see them and spend time with them as much as possible.

Wonder what I'll be doing that this time next year? Will I be married with a baby on the way?--I'll put money on that not happening. Will I still live in my same little house with Louie V? Will I have a better job, a nicer car, a new set of friends? I wonder?

Monday, November 28, 2005

To Little To Late

I didn't hear from the worm during my stay at home. I visited with family, spent a little time at the local bar catching up with old friends, and he never called. My family threw me an early birthday party, I introduced them all to Louie V, and he never sent me a text message. I left home to drive back to Little Rock feeling happy, content, and loved, and then he called.

I had just started the drive back. I wasn't ten miles from home. He wanted to know where the hell I'd been, and why I never called him. I told him I figured if he wanted to see me, he would have called me. He then went on to tell me how he spent lots of his Thanksgiving break with his ex-fiancé, and how he had his hands a little full with her. He even had Thanksgiving Day lunch with her and her family. Then he ask me what I thought of all of that, what I thought their "deal" was.

I couldn't decide if he wanted me to act jealous, or if he seriously thought I had an opinion on the subject. Well either way I didn't have much to say about it, and I told him I thought it was great they where trying to work things out. Obviously this is not what he was hoping I would say. He ask me to turn around and drive north and spend the night with him. I told him he was crazy for even asking, and that I already had plans in Arkansas when I got back. He said he would drive down to Little Rock that night and spend the night on my couch if I would let him. I told him that was a bad idea. He said he was seriously thinking about coming to see me right then, I told him to stay put.

The conversation was a lot more in depth than that, but it was mostly him bragging on himself and his "many women" in or around my small, southern hometown. I just laughed along with him, knowing that every word he said sealed the deal on why I didn't need to date him.
Everything that tempts me towards him, also pushes me away. He is so cocky, so sure of himself, and I hate and like that about him. I know I don't want to see him or be seen with him, so I am not going to take it to another level. I will talk and e-mail with him occasionally, but that's all it can be. I don't want a worm, and I definitely deserve more.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Off The Fence And Appleless

I'm headed home to my small southern town today. I haven't been home in several months, so it will be good to see my family and friends. I am also going to have to decide how much, if any, time I want to spend with the apple worm. I haven't heard from him in two days, so I'm hoping he has forgotten about me being in the orchard this week.

On another note, my sweet Louie V got his man purse snipped today. I pick him up from the vet in a couple of hours. I almost couldn't drop him off this morning. I almost changed my mind, how cruel to do something like that, but I knew it needed to be done. At least I will get to spend lots of time with him while he heals.

I haven't heard from the player or the friend in a couple of days. Maybe they both decided I wasn't worth it. Well if that's the case then that's just fine with me. I can definitely survive without them. It looks like there are no current apples on either side of the fence. So, for the rest of the week I am going to hop off the fence, go find my old time friends from home, and have some fun with them, -without apples, a worm, or player drama.

Monday, November 21, 2005

The Apple, The Fence, And The Game

I am no longer sitting on the fence, no longer thinking about the worm infested apple, I'm in my own new game. It all started this Friday with a call from the worm, and a missed date with the player.

The player said he had to work all weekend, and in order to take off and tail gate with me and a big group of friends, he would have to stay home on Friday night. So, we wouldn't see each other until right before the Hogs took the field on Saturday. Fine, I can deal with that, I'm not going to let that disrupt my night or my plans. Then the worm called to see when I would be home and when I would jump the fence to his house.

Friday night was great. There was about 30 of us, and we had a wonderful time dancing and binge drinking. Saturday the player was late getting to my house, and we where even later getting to the tail gate location to meet up with some friends of mine. After about an hour the player said he wasn't having fun, and all he could think about was his work he still had to do. He decided to go home, and told me he would not be joining up to meet us on Saturday night. He said he just really thought he needed to get all of his work finished. He would see me later in the week. The only problem with that is that later in the week just happens to be a holiday, so I won't be around. I didn't even worry with telling him that, I knew what was really going on-or so I thought.

Shortly after the player left the tail gate, I ran into a mutual friend of mine and the players. I want to school with the friend, and have flirted with the friend for close to three years now, but nothing has ever come of this. However, right before the player ask me out, so did the friend. I chose the player over the friend-bad decision. The player never would tell the friend he was seeing me, even when the friend would call my cell then the players when we where out on a date. While I was talking to the friend, the player called him to ask him where "they where going out that night". Turns out the player really was planning on going out. Turns out he lied to me. I heard the whole conversation, at which time I told the friend that I had gone out with the player a few times, but that nothing really developed from it. The friend was a little surprised, and told me that he would now have to "let things simmer down" before he ask me out".

The friend and I ended up going out to dinner after we left the tail gate, then down to the bar where all of our friends where supposed to meet up that night. As soon as I walked in the door I literally bumped into the player. He was shocked to see me, especially walk in with our friend. I just said hello and was real polite. Later the player ask me if I was going to talk to him. I told him I really didn't think so. I thought it was over from there. But the player had to call me one last time to be rude on my voice mail. He said something about if I wanted to talk to him, I knew where to reach him. I later found out that he didn't work on Friday night, he went out to dinner and drinks with our friend and didn't get home until later.

The worm informed me last night that he has been talking with his ex a fiancé. She's my age, actually I went to high school with her. The worm has ask me several times to come hang out at his house tomorrow. He wants me to stay over in one of the guest rooms. I really think that is just one more reason to not get involved in that situation. I know I won't get attached to this worm, but I don't want to get involved in even more drama.

For the past two weeks I've been wondering which side of the fence I needed to jump to. I thought at first that there was a sweet, cute, thoughtful guy on one side, and a wormy apple on the other. When it really turns out that I was sitting on a fence with a player on one side, and a worm on the other, and the whole thing was just a game from the beginning.

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Apple That Falls From The Tree

I'm faced with a huge dilemma. Should I let temptation control me when I go back to my small, southern home town next week? Should I live for the moment or continue to live the rational existence that is my life?

Should I make a choice even though I know it's probably not the best choice for me? Should I give in to these attractions? Or should I continue to remain strong, flirt like crazy with temptation, but not give in? Can I do this? Can I even handle it?

Should I meet up with him and have a great time laughing and talking, flirting and possibly slow dancing while he sings to me? Should I let myself get rolled over by his good looks and wonderful laugh? Should I blush at the compliments that he gives me, knowing that he means every word? Should I fall for the things he says and the way he looks at me?

Should I take a bite from the apple even though there is probably a worm in it?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Grass On The Other Side Of The Fence

Is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence? I used to think so, then I hoped the fence a few times, and found out that the grass I was standing on first was much better.

Lately I've seen some pretty lush grass on the other side. I've known about the grass for awhile, I just never thought I would be sitting on the fence wanting to fall one way, and being pulled the other.

Why does there have to be grass on the other side? Why does there have to be a fence at all?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Player And The Game

In relationships, is there always a winner and a loser? Like in all games, in relationships, someone always inevitably loses something; their temper, their sanity, their "someone special". Recently it seems like this is common. There is no happy ending, there are penalties, strike outs, fouls, flags on the play, and then time runs out and the game is over.

I have been in the game, lost the game, enjoyed the game, and quit the game. I hate the game. I've come to realize that everyone plays some type of game, has some type of angle and wants some type of something. I have never wanted to participate in the game. Hate the player not the game is how the saying goes. But it's hard to hate the player when he plays the game so well.

The game has ended on me so quickly that I haven't even realized it until I was standing on the sidelines and the other player was long since gone--with a cute cheerleader. But even if you try to stay out of the game, keep things on equal playing fields, it's almost impossible.

At the beginning it's all fun and new. There are new feelings, new experiences, new conversations, and it's exciting. The game is in full force, but neither person has the advantage, there's not a player, yet. So when do things change over? When does one person lose the equal footing, and when does the stronger player decided he/she controls the game.

Personally, I have no idea when this happens. I've had it happen the first night I met someone, 3 months into the relationship, and even a year after I started dating someone. The game kicks in, things are different, and there is no way to change things back. These past experiences have hardened me. They have made me not want to commit, made me pessimistic, and made me stronger at the same time. I've been the loser in the game so many times, that I don't feel like the loser anymore. I feel like I've learned from every experience that's I've been in, and maybe I'll never be the player in the game, but I will recognize the game, and only quit if I want to.

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Art Of Being Alone

There is a certain art to being alone. It's not something everyone can do. You must be comfortable with yourself to successfully be alone, and not go crazy. There are many different types of alone. Alone because you work to much, alone because you chose to be, alone because you can't find the right person to be with you.

I have been alone for each one of these reasons during the past year and a half. I have worked in a job that consumed so much of my time that I couldn't make time for myself, much less anyone else. I worked crazy hours, ate junk food and drank tons of gallons of soda to keep me going. The only thing I did for myself during this time was take 30 minutes a day to go for a run, and even this was to make me more productive so I wouldn't get completely stressed out. It was probably the most unhappy time of my life. I barely saw my family, rarely saw my friends, I was very much alone.

Now I am happier, settled, and working in a much healthier environment. For the first time since I left my parents home I am content. I'm not constantly looking for something to change, something to modify to make me happy. I have my Louie V, and I have a wonderful neighbor that I talk with regularly. I have gotten reacquainted with my friends, made some new ones, and I've filled my free time with things I want to do and enjoy. I'm not alone, well not entirely. I have friends, I have a dog, but I still don't have that one person that fills the other voids in my life. I still don't have a "love of my life". Don't get me wrong, I'm dating, and I'm enjoying it. I have met someone, but it's still new, it's still young.

I have always been the kind of person who enjoys my alone time. I like staying in my little routine, and I like making time for the things I like. I guess I would say I like being selfish. That is what makes you able to handle being alone. You have to be strong, you have to be able to handle being by yourself and not freaking out. Not calling someone to come over for the sake of having someone there, or bringing someone home for the sake of not sleeping alone (this has never been my habit). It has taken me a long time to get to this place, where I can do things for myself, by myself and not feel sad that it's just me. Well just me and Louie V!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Slow Motion Sped Up?

So I didn't call or text. I waited it out, and he called, on Tuesday night. He said he knew it was short notice but he wanted to see if I was free for dinner. We had Italian, it was wonderful. We talked and laughed, and it was fun and sweet. He called yesterday, and stopped by my house to say hello. I’m still waiting, still taking things slow, still hopeing. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to jinx it.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


I know I've said I am going to wait, to be patient, so just lay back. But I can't! I really want, what I want, when I want it. I hate waiting for someone to call me, to make something happen when I would rather take it into my own hands. But that's what I'm facing right now.

I met a guy on Saturday night who is a friend of a friend of mine. The guy seems really sweet, fun, and is extremely good looking. We really hit it off Saturday, and Sunday he called me and ask me to go hiking with him. I was very excited about this idea, it was a really nice day out and I love being outside. We talked the entire hike, we where both surprised at how much we have in common. We are both Catholic (this is a huge plus for me, as I have not dated a Catholic boy since I moved to AR), we both go to the same gym (different parts of town), we are both really picky when it comes to dating, we both hate playing games, we both come from about the same family back ground, and we both wore Nike Shocks on the hike (okay that may be a little reaching).

Anyway, so after the hike we went for pizza, and we talked more, and I really started to like him. He did a couple of things that really impressed me. First, when we where finishing our hike, we came up on an older woman who was having a little trouble with the terrain. He told the lady that if she needed us to yell and we would come back for her. Now this woman was a complete stranger, and while I was thinking the same thing, he said it before I could. The other thing happened when we where waiting on our pizza. We sat out on the deck at the pizza place, and it was a little cool out. Since we had gone hiking I had on shorts and a light t-shirt. He could tell I was a little cold so he gave me his jacket. Without saying much about it, he just took it off and handed it to me. I'm not the damsel in distress kind of girl, but I was happy to see chivalry is not dead.

He said he would call me later this week. He didn't call yesterday, not that I expected him to or anything. But it would have been nice. I debated on whether or not to send him a "thanks for yesterday I had a good time" text. But I decided to stick with what I previously said about waiting and letting the right guy find me. It's just not as easy as it sounded when I made that post. I'm so impatient!!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

The Mean Girl

When you grow up in a small town, there is always some sort of drama. There is always a marriage breaking up, someone having an affair, or someone getting into some kind of trouble. There is always lots to talk about, and there are always people happy to gossip about something that has nothing to do with them. A good friend of mine left our small hometown a couple of years ago. He left behind friends, family, and a crazy ex-girlfriend that has tormented him for years. He is finally living his own life, he's finally away from the gossip and the drama. He is finally happy and settled! But just when he thinks he has escaped our small hometown and all it's drama, the mean girl shows up again.

Rewind back to 2001. He and the mean girl had just started dating. They knew each other their whole lives, she came from a family that didn't have a very good reputation, and he came from a wonderful family. She was a little rough around the edges, he overlooked it. They dated for a few months, and even though they liked each other, he had decided that he didn't want a girlfriend when he moved away to college. She was a couple of years younger than him, and there wasn't much of a chance that she would go to college anyway. So when summer rolled around, they broke up, and he spent the next month preparing to move away to school and fending her off. She would drive by his house and yell obscenities, call in the middle of the night and hang up, and generally just make his life miserable. Finally he got away from her and moved off to college.

In April of his freshman year, he was back in our small hometown visiting a good friend of his that was in the Navy and living in California. The Navy friend had come home, so the two guys got together and went out to our downtown area to make "the loop" and meet up with other friends of theirs. My friend was driving the Navy friends car, when the mean girl appeared in the same parking lot they where driving through. She was clearly intoxicated and began yelling and cursing at my friend as he slowly drove through the lot. She was so intoxicated that she tried to swing at my friend through the open car window. She fell to the ground and my friend accidentally ran over her with the Navy friends car. Her leg was broken in a couple of places, it was just the beginning of years of drama to come for my friend. The mean girl fled the scene before the cops could show up and went to the hospital. My friend asked the local cops if he should fine a report since she left the scene of an accident. The cops assured him that she was totally liable since she left, and my friend went home to tell his parents of his bad luck.

The next day my friend took flowers and candy to the girl while she was still in the hospital. He was so sorry about the accident, he apologized to her so many times. She told my friend not to worry that everything was okay, and she was not going to do anything about the accident. He thought it was over and done. Then a few weeks later she filed a civil suite against his insurance company and the friend whose car was involved. She got A LOT of money out of the deal. It drug on for quite sometime, and my friend was pretty relieved when it was finally over with.

Four and a half years later my friend lives on the East Coast, is in school, has a serious girlfriend, and is doing great. He is happy and successful, he has finally escaped from the drama and the mean girl. Or so he thought.

Over the weekend my friends mom was carrying in groceries when a man showed up with a subpoena for my friend to appear in court. His mom didn't know who was filing suite against her son, she was very surprised to see it was the mean girl. The statute of limitations is up next spring, but the girl has decided to file a $100,000.00 suite against my friend. Four and a half years later, and my friend can't get away from his past. The mean girl has no reoccurring injuries/illnesses from the accident, she is in good health, and my friend has no idea why she would being suing him again.

So now the debate is weather or not he should come home before next spring. If they don't serve him with the papers, then the statute of limitation will be up and he won't have to worry about the mean girl any more. But if he goes back to our hometown, there is a chance he will get served and have to miss school and work to come back and forth for court. Not to mention the money involved.

It's a lot of drama, and a huge mess. This girl is absolutely, without a doubt, crazy. In the past four years she has been married and divorced, had a baby, sued both of her parents separately, had a boob job, and I have no idea what else she has done. But from the sounds of it, she is making a career our of going to court, and my good friend is just another victim of the mean girl.

I thought this was worth writing about since I have written about some of the crazy guys I have dated. I thought it was important to tell my friends story, and to explain what it was like growing up in my small hometown.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Life In Slow Motion

Lately I feel like I have been living my life in slow motion. The days seems to dissolve into each other, each day not being much different than the one before. I think I'm in a rut, or could it be a routine? Could it be that for the first time ever I know what it's like to be settled and in control of my life?

That's exactly why I feel like I do. I am settled, I am in control, I am in a routine, and I am getting a little bored. Everyday is the same. Wake up, walk the dog, shower, go to work, take lunch at 11am., go home, play with the dog, go back to work, eat in my cubical, work until 5pm, go to the gym until 7pm, go home, walk the dog, shower, eat dinner, play with the dog/watch tv, go to bed. Repeat! That's my day, my entire day.

It's not that I don't love going home to my dog, in fact, if he wasn't there, I would be lonely. It's that sometimes I want someone to shower me with affection that doesn't have four legs and want to be scratched behind the ears. It's just been so long since I have had a real boyfriend or even a non-disastrous date. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for a relationship, I like being self sufficient and independent. But what happened to a good old fashioned date? The kind where you meet a guy, you talk a little, maybe flirt a little, and he says something like "would you like to have dinner on Saturday night"? Where are the guys that do that?? Now days it's so easy for guys, and we females have made it that way. Gone are the dates of dinner and a movie. Now it's meet up at a bar, have a few drinks, and see where the night takes us. It's for this very reason I have been living my life in slow motion. I don't want to go out to a bar with drink specials, that stays open until 5am, and look for "a guy". Chances are I will find several. But they won't be date material, and at 3:30am after several drink/shots, they won't be thinking, "I would really like to take her to a nice dinner next weekend and maybe a movie".

So I choose to stay in my routine. I'm not willing to sell myself short by going out with some guy, just to have a date and a little attention. I would rather wait until a good guy finds me. I am usually the type of person that sees what she wants and charges after it, but in this situation, I am going to wait. Hopefully I will meet a guy, go on a real date that doesn't include Jello Shots, and speed up my slow motion a little.

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