Ta Ta My Lovelies!

I know I haven't written much lately. I think some how my blog that I used to write for me and only me, has become something else entirely.

It started off as a way to diary my crazy dating life. I threw in some cute little comparisons, some smug little stories, a disastrous date here and there, and I really had fun with it. But now, there are so many things going on that I don't want to share, and that leaves little to write.

I'm more than a little worried that some of my past mentions will some how come back to haunt me. While the easy thing would be just to delete everything all together, I just can't bring myself to do that yet.

So for now I'm taking a break, a hiatus, a sabbatical. Maybe when or if I come back, I'll have opened a new chapter in my life and I'll have more fun stories to tell. Until then ta ta my lovelies!

A Perfect Mess

Last Valentines Day I wrote about how Cupid could keep his arrows to himself, and how I didn't want any of that "mess" that came along with feeling pressured to make some gesture just because it was Valentines Day. Last year I went out to dinner with one of my very best girlfriends, we had a delicious meal, a few drinks, and it was better than just about any date I could have imagined. This year wasn't much different. I went to the gym, then to store, then I met a good friend for terrible Mexican food. It was just like any other day, well almost.

I received an early phone call from the FL-TBDL (to be determined later) boy, wishing me a happy Valentines Day. Then when I got to work the FL-TBDL had sent me an e-card telling me how much me misses me and how much he loves me and how he can't wait to see me this weekend. That's right, he's flying in tomorrow, and I couldn't be happier. Then right after lunch I received a Fedex package from him. As I tore into the box I realized it was roses from him. A dozen carefully wrapped, delicate flowers. After unpacking them, cutting the stems, filling the provided vase with plant food and cool tap water, I stood back to look at my work. It was a perfect mess. The buds are supposed to be pink. But they were in the damp packing foam so long they are more of a peachish, greenish, brown. They are molded, the petals are torn, they generally look awful, and I couldn't love them more. While I am upset he spent so much on less than mediocre flowers, it's the thought that counts in my opinion, and his thoughts were definitely on me all day yesterday!

I called to tell him how much I loved them and he ask that I bring them home with me tomorrow afternoon so that he could see them. I just hope they hold together that long! I know he's going to look at them and be disappointed. I know he's going to think he messed up big time by ordering them from an online flower service. But to me, the are just like he and I-a perfect mess!

30-Love?

So I went out with the tennis pro the other night. We met some of my friends out for dinner and drinks. Then we went to one of my fav local bars for some more drinks and a few games of pool. After my friends left, and it was just me and the pro, the game came to an abrupt end.

The conversation went something like this:

Pro: So, I just wanted to tell you that I really like you. I've had so much fun every time we've hung out. I think the past three weeks has been the best of my life. I still get butterflies when I drive over to pick you up for a date.

Me: Thanks, I've had a really good time too.

From the above conversation it sounds like he was really into me. I thought I'd finally met a guy who is not afraid to tell you how he feels and what's on his mind. And that's exactly what he did next.

Then he said: Pro: But I don't want anything serious. I like things the way they are, I don't want a commitment or anything like that.

Huuuum….so maybe I was a little off about how crazy he was about me.

Me: Well that's just fine. I like how things are too!

Pro: So, I need to ask you something. What kind of game are you playing exactly? Because I would like to join in since I can't seem to figure it out. (He said this with a leer, it was very surprising.)

Me: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Pro: Sure you do. I do everything. I take you to dinner, take you to lunch, bring you flowers, bring you coffee, I even bring you gifts for your stupid dog. What's the deal? When are you going to HAVE SEX WITH ME?? I mean what else do you want? Jeeez.

Me: I was basically speechless at this point.

I told him that we'd discussed this in the past. And that I meant what I said, I'm not a casual sex kind of girl, and that I didn't think a couple of weeks of seeing each other was enough for me to hope in bed with him. I told him I wasn't playing any games because I'd been honest with him, completely honest.

Pro: Fine so lets have a relationship then. (This being said not ten minutes after he told me he wanted to keep things exactly the same.) Then maybe you'll give it up.

Me: No, that's not going to work. I don't understand where this is coming from.

Pro: (Obviously seeing that he needed to change tactics)--taking my hand--Anne, I want to introduce you to my family. It's very important to me.

Me: I've met them remember?

Pro: Oh yeah, well I want to meet your family. I want to do that together.

Me: Well I don't just take guys home that I’m seeing.

Pro: Well (in a poor little me voice) I'm sure I wouldn't be good enough for you family anyway. I mean I don't hunt or fish really. I'm sure you dad would look at me and wonder what the F*&K is my daughter thinking.

Me: My family's not like that. They are great, and they would be happy to meet anyone that I felt close enough to to take home.

Pro: So then we can have sex?

Me: No, I’m sorry but I'm really confused. Do you just want to have sex with someone? Because if that's the deal, then you should just find someone to have sex with. I don't care.

Pro: You’re a bitch.
~By this time I'd had enough. He was basically yelling at me, and other people were starting to look at us. So I went to the ladies room, he paid the check, we argued all the way back to my place then I told him good night, without a chance for him to walk me to the door.

I met with him on Saturday, so we could talk about everything. But I didn't really need to hear it. I'd made up my mind. I felt like every nice thing he'd done was so that he could get me in the sack. And even if that wasn't true, he never disputed that when I ask him about it. So it was over for me anyway, I'd never trust that he didn't have an agenda.

So ended my short lived relationship with the tennis pro. Game Set Match!

My Past In My Present

The FL ex has been trying to find a way to get back into the present with me. He's called, he's e-mailed, text, even sent me flowers. Finally, after all of that he decided he just needed to fly to LR and "make it work". I admit, part of me was excited about the idea of seeing him. I was looking forward to spending some time with him, taking him to my favorite restaurant, going shopping. But, I was not at all excited about the conversation I knew would be inevitable. I knew he would want to talk about the past, and talk about our future. And I wasn't at all prepared for that when I'm happy in my present.

So, I did what I thought was necessary. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come see me. In fact, I told him this wouldn't work for me any more, and as sorry as I am about it, I need to be happy. I know how this all may sound, like I'm heartless, uncaring. But it's the opposite actually, I do care about him, I'm sure I always will. Obviously I’m not heartless because my heart does hurt a little right now, but, I'm happier already. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

During all of this turmoil, the tennis pro was by my side. I told him the truth, I told both of them actually. So there were no secrets between us. The tennis pro said he could wait for the weekend to be over, he said he understood that these things happen, and he just wanted me to be happy. I was so relieved. When I told him the ex wasn't flying in after all, he didn't have much to say. And I was again relieved because I didn't do it for him, I did it for me.

So for now I'm enjoying my present and walking away from the past.

Romance And The Realist

I'm a realist, I just am. I don't look at the glass as being half empty or half full. I look at it and think, that glass only has half as much wine as it will hold in it, better get the bottle back out.

But while I'm this realist, lately, I've been thinking maybe I'm a bit of a romantic. I want romance in my life. I want slow dancing in the rain, or if it's too cold out, the living room will work. I want flowers for no reason, and little tokens just to make me smile. I want compliments, and car doors opened. I snuggling by the fire, and smores with red wine. I want to be kissed awake in the morning and to be surprised with breakfast in bed. I want to be kissed on the forehead in public, and I want my hand held just because he can't stand to not hold it. I want to be swept off my feet.

I've had a little taste of this lately, and I must say it's been amazing. In fact, it's been a little over whelming. But the realist in me wonders if it's romantic, or an agenda. I think maybe I'm just so taken aback by everything that I'm not sure if I should relax and trust him, or wonder about the old saying, "If it's seems to good to be true, it probably is".

Right now I can't help but wonder, can I enjoy the romance if I'm too worried about rather or not it's real?

Stretched Thin

After some thinking, a little crying, and a lot of talking with a good friend about my "situation", I've completely ended things with the FL boy (formally the MS Boyfriend). Things are just to difficult and there is just to much missing from our relationship that I really want and need.

I've found that if I'm going to live 15 hours away from the person I'm dating, it's going to have to be on my terms. First, there has to be communication, and lots of it. If something's bothering me, I want to talk about it, even if it's the tiniest thing. There has to be trust, and there has to be willingness to give. I have to see this person more than just say, once every month and a half. There has to be understanding, compassion, and love. I'm a social person, and I don't want to give up any of my socializing because my boyfriend lives in another time zone.

I've been trying to conquer all of this for the last six months. I've been traveling to see him (he's done the same, but not as often as he should). I've been trying to talk to him and get him to talk back. This has been a real ordeal, he's not a talker. I've been trying to balance my social life and still make time to talk to him as much as possible and visit him every chance I've gotten. The truth is, I didn't want to go out to bars when I was with him, I didn't want to talk to other guys. I wanted to hang out with my girlfriends, and talk to the bf when I could. I was being mature, and not taking advantage of anything (or anyone for that matter). But some where along the way I realized I wasn't getting what I needed in return. I was getting late night drunk dials during the week, well after I'd gone to bed. I wasn't getting the reassuring words I was hoping for. In fact, other than a nightly call and a few e-mails, I wasn't getting enough to make me happy. And this made me sad and reclusive.

I hate that things did not work out for us the way we thought they would. We talked about the future, it seemed like we were really going to happen, to make it. But some where along the way, I think we both realized that things just shouldn't be that hard. We were dating, long distance which was very difficult, but we were still just dating, and it should have been more fun and less work.

He wants to get back together, he promises that things will be different. But I just don't see how. They've been the same for so long, I don't see what we could possibly do to make it different, better. And, as much as I care for him, I care for myself and my happiness, and I've been stretched to thin for to long. It's time to relax, and enjoy.

The Push And Pull Of Things

Push, the act of applying force in order to move something away. I can relate with this right now. He pushes constantly. He won’t tell me how he feels about something; he gets quite, gets distant, is less than affectionate, he pushes me away. He says he just can’t do it any more. He disappears; he’s pushed me away, until he starts to pull again.

Pull, the act of pulling; applying force to move something toward or with you. I relate to this right now too. A few days goes by, maybe a week, and there is no contact between
us. I don’t call, don’t e-mail, I get through my days, then he can’t take it any more. He calls, asks why he hasn’t heard from me. He says he doesn’t like things like this, he wants me with him, wants to get back together.

Twice I’ve missed him enough to be pulled back. But this last time I swore to myself this was it, no more chances. Things were said, promised, future plans were made, then the push reappeared. I recognized it immediately, and I decided this time I would be the one to say it, the one to end things. That was almost two weeks ago, and as is routine, he began calling and e-mailing about a week ago. It’s a very difficult thing not to be pulled back in. I know it shouldn’t be this hard, I know we’ve both had a lot of stress in our lives lately. While this is not a good excuse, it’s not been easy for either of us. But right now, I can’t help but ask myself, have I reached the limit of being pushed and pulled? Am I so stretched that I can walk away from someone that I care so much about?